A note To Josh.

It took a 3 word message in my inbox to turn the week around form the self centered type A response to midterms I was ready to display, to now a milder, more reasonable look at the things I’ve considered important in the past. We adopted in to each others family a few years ago, during a playful phone call, which I did not know would change the way I perceived the future. I was not in the very least ready for “daddy died Friday”
It is what he said, and how he said it.
And what we said and how we said it , years ago when we did not realize that friends are the family you choose, and when they lose inevitably, you lose.

It’s been a long quiet night, the voices in my head silenced by these songs, most of which are random, and have nothing to do with anything except the way I seem to remember to breathe, to stop wishing and wanting when I hear them. I have to learn to be still, and this is helping. In a few hours the sun will be up, and the world will move on fast, unperturbed. I will be forced to join them, I hate that I can’t be there with you. But I’ll repeat this play list. For good reasons, and silly reasons, and for the only real reason: that it is the only way I can be with you. Lost in the words to a song, embraced by a melody, sometimes it feels like life has not changed at all. Like we are still little, our worlds built around Barbie Dolls, Tom and Jerry and Transformers.
I know you will not read this anytime soon, but when you do; I hope you realize that I was there all the while.


A Play list For Josh: Because this is not goodbye, because I can’t be there, because I am still sad even though I am sure you are going to be okay, because I can’t get used to how life fades away, because I don’t know what else to do, because I feel with you.


1.Think of Me-Mark Schultz
This one speaks for itself.

2.Time After Time-Cyndi Lauper
I don’t know why the words to this song are comforting, but they are.

3.Calling Down An Angel-Plus One
Remember when boy bands were my utopia? This song still argues in their favor.

4.Little Wonders-Rob Thomas
When you turn this one up on long road trips, all the clatter fades out and life sort of seems clear again. Good song for centering.

5.Bye Bye-Mariah Carey
There is a warm collective hug from the universe in this song, even though like most pop songs, you might have to look for it.

6.I am already there-Lone star
This one is about the lyrics. It’s all in the lyrics.

7.Move Along-The All-American Rejects
For the Monday mornings when you don’t want to face another week, but mostly for the Monday mornings of life; because sometimes they last longer than a week.

8.It’s Only Life-Katie Voegele
Weirdly, this goes nicely with Chemistry homework as does the whole album. In the absence of valence electrons for a distraction, here is another good one for centering.

9.Where I stood-Missy Higgins
Sometimes there are no words to say.

10.With You in Mind-Acoustic Alchemy
I added this one, because I made the list ‘with you in mind’

11.GoodMan-India.Arie
“If the sun comes up and I am not home, be strong”

12.I will remember you-Sara McLachlan
When I can’t sing along, I cry along.

13.I’m with You-Avril Lavigne
Because I really am.