The Reason

It is in a million little things really; the magic you have added to my existence. It is in the gentle way you correct me when I am wrong, you let it go, you forgive me. It is the way you hold me when I am sad, in the silences that no words can fill. And in the long hugs you give me, like tomorrow will not come, and if we let go, life as we know it might come undone.
It is in the way your shirt feels against my skin, the way your fingers tug lightly at my hair, it is the whispers I barely hear, your possessive arm around my waist in public, it is the way you say good morning...
You don't have guess, to wonder why I'm still so tangled in you.The reason is in a million little things,it is in the way you love me baby,the way you mend my basic brokenness, the way you heal my fundamental loneliness.

I'm old and other blah blah blah.

In the last ten years I have grown 4” (yes, only 4!!!, is that a perpetual height deficiency happening or what?), slept on three beaches, talked myself into going to nuclear med school, then talked myself out of it, just to talk myself into it again the next morning, I have written sappy poems and let a few people read them, danced in the rain, climbed a tree, stayed on the phone till 6 in the morning. I painted my toes a playful shade of green one night and wore pigtails to a final on a windy December morning. There were sad grades, missed deadlines, missing keys and broken hearts. But there were also delirious highs, news so good that it made me cry, long hugs and ice-cream cones shared in a dark parking lot. There were seasons of utter confusion, the mother of all identity crises, “oh mother who am I? Will I be pretty or rich? And there was her calm voice singing que sera, sera, whatever will be, will be”. And it was. There were wonderful people, the kind of people, whose voices have remained in my head over the years, keeping me straight and making me laugh. Then there were the ones I had to know to grow, the ones that tempted me to believe that people can break you. But because 10 years give a lot of clarity, I know now, that people only shake you, and even that only goes as far as you let it. There were events that redefined the future, terse conversations, two funerals, and that airport in Dubai; with millions of tiny the lights reflecting in to the water at night, in a way that makes you want to dance to a song only you can hear! The evolution is amazing, the series of changes from boy band posters on my walls, now to dignified picture frames of family&friends. There’ve been a few slaps, but more embraces, trials came with more than sufficient graces. The joy of life is in the big picture; complete with all the speeding tickets, long sad goodbyes, drunk karaoke, fractures, degrees, second chances, salsa dances, morning runs, long phone calls, music, mashed potatoes and in the promise of the future, the promise of an inwardly rewarding career, of seeing you again, of surviving the next six semesters, of custom made scrubs (yeah baby!!), of cheesecake, and tickets to India.Arie, the chance that I will make myself happy and simultaneously make you proud! It is the fact that there are no guarantees, and that there are a million different ways the story can go that makes me so thankful. Birthdays (when sober) are a perfect place to momentarily stop, look back and smile, (insert cake), and then go forward armed with the love in your life, and the song in your head. (Sorry if you were hoping for some kind of high tech weapon…LOL).
So thank you for the laughs, for life, for all these years of unconditional love :)

Happy Birthday also, to Nick Hornby & to Jennifer Garner!!!

There are perks, you know!

So, tomorrow when I wake up, and I am old-there will be comforting words resonating in my head: strawberry cheesecake.
Come over( after 10) if you want in. You don't have to be old to get in, but I do have a preference.
Happy Weekend.

Now, Isn't Life so Beautiful!!

It is the way I drowned you in my optimism,

choked you with my sermon about the better days ahead;

and now he is dead, and I can't find the words to say.

"It is the black fly in your Chardonnay...

...ten thousand spoons

when all you need is a knife..."

Like the open book test

when you don't have your book!

so freaking beautiful!!!

To Allie, because your sorrow is haunting, because you miss him, and I miss the idea of you laughing-I miss believing, and dreaming, and the indulging in shallow talk of spas, and caramel layered icecream. I miss the lie, because the truth seems too disillusioning.