Munich

"It breaks when you don't force it, It breaks when you don't try" Munich Lyrics

For many years I went back to a place that used to be important, partly to find you and partly to try and win this continued battle between the things that change and the things that remain the same. It is a sunny patio in the morning, and because of the house, the wind would be imperceptible except for the ever so slight rustling of the leaves of the trees in the backyard. It still felt good to sit there in the sun, the silence is still friendly and warm, pretty much like an old person you have known for a long time. There is a song, Munich by Corrine Bailey Rae that played on that backyard back then, back when, I could still find you if I sat still for long enough. I don’t go there anymore, and it is not that I grew cold or that I will not let my heart linger anymore. On the contrary, savoring the proverbial moment means more to me now than it ever has. Because, the old clichés are true; time passes, people grow , moments pass and even the most beautiful songs end. There is a place on Cypress Mill that used to be important, my heart still remembers it and all that it stands for but now there is a new place I have to go. You said that when it was time to let you go, I would be ready. It is time to let you go, and I am ready, even though the hand pressed against my window shakes slightly, I know you are not here anymore.

Inbetween

I'm not in school right now, and I will not be for about two weeks and that is excellent really, because I need to completely reinvent myself even though I'm not very sure what that entails. The only problem is I'm in between universities, jobs, lives...basically, and in between is such a weird place to be. I am sitting up tonight with all this paperwork, none of it is complex, but it is repetitive and boring, and outside the rain is pouring, and I can't help but think that I am taking it all too seriously. I tried for a few days to figure out what my favorite songs are and even that seemed somewhat trying, anyway, 9 Crimes (Damien Rice) still tugs at me every time, without fail, and I'm in love with him a little bit.
Do you remember that Evanescence song 'my immortal', do you remember the soft silence that it seemed to carry almost tangibly out of the speakers and into your reality, does your soul still gently sway to the sound of the keyboard, do you still find yourself wistfully returning to some places you haven't been in many years?
Maybe not anymore, but 9 crimes still feels like that to me.
I have been here before, I've been in between before, and I know that I do not like it very much; but, I like the downtime, the time to sit at bistro tables with my music, and a pencil, to write mindless sentences that mirror my transition, to attempt to dream of a future that is as far away as it is close. I'm a blessed ( or cursed) with a pensive disposition and that might be why I'm awake now, sitting under my rudely bright kitchen light, concluding that life is beautiful. I'm not very sure how exactly to work it, but it is beautiful.

That Tag Thing From Years Ago ( and some songs to go along)

“Two am and she calls me because I am still awake” Breathe, Ann Nalick

I‘ve been having a distressfully busy final two weeks of spring semester, and I’ve been finding it hard to be human; you know wash my hair, sleep, smile at strangers. I guess this is the honesty thingy number one. I have tunnel vision when I am on a mission. This knowledge will hopefully placate the dears who tagged me six years ago…and I will proceed confidently knowing that I earned some forgiveness simply by voicing my rather lousy excuse.

#2 “I am hazard to myself” P!nk

I moved into a two storey apartment last summer, and I spent the first few weeks recovering from the most embarrassing falls down the stairs that occurred between 5:30am-and 6am on two separate mornings. I was on a quest to get coffee from the kitchen so that I could wake up. Now, raise your hands if you think I should move back in with daddy, just for safety!

#3“Walking stumbling, on these shadow feet” Shadow Feet, Brooke Fraser

I have absolutely no idea what I am doing most of the time. Life feels like a continual leap of faith, and I know most people fall for it, the confidence in my eyes and the occasional slouch that says ‘I don’t really care’. Truth is, life is very scary, and I care a lot. It is just too hard to walk around all day trembling, so instead I dance to the stupid lady gaga songs on repeat in the cafeteria, and I give the world my most self assured smile. p.s-poker face!!

#4“Our lives are made in these small hours, these little wonders” Little Wonders,Rob Thomas

I have a text messaging record that apparently rivals that of a spoiled teenager! My mother’s side of the story about this (I will tell you mine later) is that I texted( is this even really a word?) the buttons off my then very sturdy phone literally. A reason perhaps, for shipping me off to daddy? (Mom if you read this (and that chance is there because you do have eyes everywhere) you should be proud to know, that I don’t text while eating dinner, or taking a shower anymore. Progress!

#5“It’s our problem free, philosophy…” Lion King soundtrack/Hakuna Matata

One night last sem, I went out to the lake on campus with the entire student government bunch of us, two guitars, caramel truffles and peppermint Altoids, to sing all the lion king soundtracks with some Howie day thrown in into the night. Apparently the best college memories are the ones you make when you are doing something other than what you are supposed to be doing (read study for finals). The confession in this one is, I guess, that I am just like everybody else with the procrastinating.

#6 “You give me the sweetest taboo”-Sade, Sweetest Taboo

Last spring I climbed the forbidden tree!!! There is a huge oak at the pier on st. Simons that has been dubbed ‘lover’s oak’. They way its branches spread from the trunk left a huge bough on it if I can say it like that, so two people can sit in it. So , without any coaxing, but with a little help, I abandoned all my manners (as defined by the nuns who taught me in high school) ,went up the oak, and the merge of slight rebellion laced with mild adventure was gloriously charming!

#7 “somewhere in my youth or childhood, I must have done something good” Sound of Music Soundtrack/Something Good

Do you ever feel like your life is not your own? Like everything that’s happening is happening to someone else? It is not really all the big things (even though those stun me when they happen) it is mostly tiny everyday things. Like the green m&m’s I find on my pillow, and the sticky notes I find stuck on my wind shield under the wiper, it is the convenient parking spot when I am late. You know that feeling when you don’t have much money & the dude in the Starbucks drive through window says it is ‘free Frappucino Friday!’

#8 “You take me to this high, I feel like I can fly” Music, Vivian Green

I know that life would be close to unlivable if we didn’t have music. There are the songs that remind me to breathe when life is suffocating, the ones that hug me when I am sad, and the ones I take on long trips so I can dream, and think, and literally float through traffic! There is a song for everything, some more relevant than others, some good only for making fun of with my more critical friends, but still essential! I will not be offended if you don’t take your ear phones off to listen to me, because I completely understand that there are days when the only thing worth listening to is the song completing you. What’s the confession here? I am abandoning this post here to go listen to a very important play list!

#9 I don't think I actually finished this, or followed the rules, but are you surprised? You should not be.

Celebrating Every Tiny Victory!

I found the most sexy pair of heels for a giveaway price at TJMaxx, and I will wear them tomorrow with my big, fat gown, wink at the dean, grab my degree and toss the cap in the air!
Apparently,graduation doesn't get old no matter how many times it is done!

"Graduation speeches were invented largely in the belief that outgoing college students should never be released into the world until they have been properly sedated". Garry Trudeau