Hawaii and Hammocks

Just kidding. There is no such thing as a vacation on the horizon for me; unless you count the fact that I am going to bed as soon as I am done here. Still, it doesn't hurt to wish, does it?

This was a bipolar day. Monday blues in the morning, a weird bliss in the traffic, zoned out most of the 8am class, texted Phillip the rest of the morning and then slid into a major paranoid frenzy when I realized just how grave the situation is concerning my radiopharmacy class, for which the first exam is tomorrow. (Insert horrified scream!)
I lined up in Burnett Hall for 45 minutes, then got to the window only to find that I was supposed to be in Victor Hall...so I went there and lined up for an hour, then the chica at the window said come back tomorrow. (Insert Lightning and Thunder)

On a happy note,Allie called me and made me laugh, at her and at myself and at life in general. If she were a book, she'd be my diary. It is kinda spooky how much we have in common-including this bizarre and completely old ladyish(In my world it is perfectly okay to make words up as you go) need to sit outside and just absorb, you know, life. Allie, I know you'll read this-I love that I can be 83 years around you and its all good!

I missed Zumba today because I was stupidly falling apart in the parking lot following the afternoon's insanity, but I ran all the way up stairs in the rain before I collapsed into a weirdly deep nap in which I saw my life story and all the things I achieved (and didn't achieve) and heard the mean voice telling me how much more I can do with my life if only I believed in myself more and pushed harder.
Yes, it gets a little sickening. All the things people(or voices for that matter) tell you when you are 20 something and trying to figure it out-it's like they forget how it felt not having a freaking idea what to do about most things.

And so it rained for hours in Savannah this afternoon, but it wasn't so much the rain outside as it was the storm within.

Help the Monster!

You know that overwhelming feeling that wraps around you when you are swamped?

This weekend mostly felt that way. I have come to the disappointing realization that I am not superman...or woman if we are going to get all analytical about everything I say( which we really shouldn't because most of it is being processed by only half a brain cell)

If you know me even slightly, you know that I am hyper-organized; but no degree of planning or organization could have prepared me for the schedule insanity I have going on. Even after I clear my schedule of all self created activities, there still is not enough time in the world to do everything.

I had no idea that it would come to picking between church and assignments, but it did. And if you care to know-one of the most annoying voices in my head is the one that tells me over and over again when I am NOT putting God first. But this is not a religious/pious rant.
This is just me beefing(sheesh..like you don't use the word!) at life in general for being as busy as it is.

I canceled Guitar class on Saturday which literally aborted my plans to join Lincoln Brewster's Band.
I also called off movie plans-and honestly this is not a big deal;I don't care that much. What really sucked, was sitting in Starbucks all weekend trying to get the 300 nuclear math problems done, so that I could write the paper due on Tuesday morning and study for the test on Thursday. It all sucked because I really was supposed to be shopping with the little sister( and Princess), playing guitar and eating Mexican with Keith! It is after all the stuff we do on the weekend that helps us get through the week.
And so my face book status on Monday read: please God, let there be Friday!

I am entirely over scheduled for the next seven weeks,and I am concerned that in the rat race to find my dreams, I am turning into a monster who doesn't go to church, eat or socialize.

This monster needs help!

Blur and Blah

I can't.
Write.
Or breathe.
of Late.

She said I am a good egg. I wonder when I will hatch.

He said I must believe in something bigger than myself. And now I wonder about that too, you see-most things are bigger than me. 18 wheelers. cows. the world. all of them.

On Repeat:Damien Rice, 9 crimes

*Falling Awake

“To live in hearts we leave behind is not to die”.
Thomas Campbell

This morning I found under the seat, a parking decal from what feels like a long time ago. A long time ago when I stopped at a pharmacy on a summer night, when you said you love chocolate and water (together) and I laughed at the odd food choice, inwardly loving the eccentricity of stranger passing through. Passing through town, and evidently through my world. Blind to your own journeys ahead, you hoped that you would stay around and we would play; outside in the sun, in the sand. In the morning we used to pray on the phone, you wide awake and me barely coherent. You laughed at my enunciation and repeated everything I said, and most times we both completely forgot the truth, lost in a beautiful world no one else understood. I found entirely new pieces of me while I talked for hours in a coffee shop with you; and I stop sometimes on the bridge where the car hit you. Underneath, the waves are calm and on my skin the wind is gentle.
It seems that there is a sudden silence where once music used to play; an aching quietness that engulfs both those who dare to admit it and those who remain in the fast lane, in denial, unable to acknowledge inevitable change. It might be comforting (or not, I haven’t really been able to decide) to know that this is not a sudden finale. It is more like a long jazz song slowly fading into nothingness, the sand in an hour glass gradually shifting to the bottom, while we watch helpless-unable to control destiny. So we pick up our pieces, learn our lessons, laugh at the irony, maybe cry a little, and then move on the general direction of wholeness. I can’t help but smile because I hear your laughter in my head, loud, contagious and sweet. Just like you used to be. Just like you still must be.

*Title of Gary Jules' very appropriate song.