Falling Awake

"Monkeys in my heart are rattling their cages" Gary Jules-Falling Awake Lyrics

It has been a long seven days. I feel like I have been barely breathing, taking slow very deliberate but still notably shallow breaths. I am not a drama queen. There are moments when I have wished that I was-wished that I could explode, throw a tantrum, pick a huge fight, scream embarrassingly loudly, fly off the handle and possibly land somewhere soft. Relieved and fulfilled.

Instead, I analyze. I have mentally poured over every single detail, every word that was said…I remember everything, even the slightly peculiar smell of leather seats of car that has been parked in the heat all day. Thinking a lot doesn’t do much good if you are not working a math problem. Life is not math, apparently. When you have them, the formulas are flawed, and most of the time you are on your own. Winging it.

Sometimes everything quiets within me. The noises die down, the rollercoaster pauses and I realize that nothing is broken. Down the rabbit hole- I fell just like Alice. But I must get out of wonderland.