~GreenFinity~

A bit of this and that

2010-12-18T16:10:00.000-08:00

I skipped town this afternoon to a remote happy location that I will not disclose because that would defeat the purpose of skipping town. randomly.

So now I sit in a tiny cosy kitchen that smells both of spicy meatballs and cinnamon Christmas candles. And as a form of self inventory-I'm giving in to the urge to write. At least a little.

I am thankful that Christmas is gone and with it the undue pressure to be deliriously happy. I am not unhappy for the most part. I however, seem acutely averse to being told how to feel. Not everybody can be sparkly on cue you know?

On that note, I apologize to all the people I instructed to have a merry Christmas--it was all the pressure you know, to be merry and stuff. What I really meant-was have a good Christmas whatever that means to you.

I have considered getting a tattoo over the last few days. That is part of the trouble with down time. First you regroup, recover from all the things life has done to you prior to your breather and then you start to go crazy. You try awful recipes and cause your family to order emergency Chinese, then you think of ways to permanently alter your skin. I am not getting one I have decided. For two reasons. No, my mother will not kill me. She has bigger problems than my potential stupidity.

First, I am indecisive. And you are not allowed to be indecisive when it comes to tattoos. You have to know that you know. It is not quite like ordering coffee...you can't just mumble some sleepy ideas to the barrister and walk out of the shop with a steaming cup of something delicious.

Maybe you can. But I am not taking that chance.

Also, I will not get a tattoo because I evolve too much. If this was the beginning of time and we were still monkeys and all that, I would be voted most likely to NOT be a monkey by the end of the day. Please be aware that I am not at all referring to my superior ability to advance....because if you know me at all you know that this is not the case. As far as monkeyness goes, I am completely regular, four legs, a tail....

Ok, maybe that was a bit much.

I am just saying though ordinary, I am extremely inconsistent about most things and even though I usually understand why I loved what I loved ten years or ten minutes ago...I can't get myself to think or feel the same way again.

In light of this evidence, I think you agree that it would be wiser if I didn't get a tattoo.

Having down time also led inevitably to introspection which I'm sure seems more innocuous than getting the ill advised tattoo, but I would (if I were important enough to make these kinds of decrees) suggest that introspection be put on the same list as alcohol and drugs and cigarettes and driving race cars.

The list of things that should be regulated by the government. Or whatever power tickles your fancy. As long as someone controlled how much, when and how we did it.

We mostly worry about being mugged, wrecking our cars, or falling off bridges and while these are understandably realistic worries, I am suddenly more concerned about our inner ability to self destruct. A few hours of unrestrained thought is enough to kill our dreams, break our own hearts.

I said all of that when I could have just said-If you can help it, don't visit your skeletons too often.

I otherwise wish you a generally pleasant break. I mean if a hangover or two slip in, thats okay just as long as you are content.

That's what it comes down to apparently.

That crazy inexplicable peace in spite and despite all.

I don't know when, but I will be back. I do not write a lot these days as you have probably already figured. Where I was standing was never really the question you see, it is easy to tell when you are on the outside looking in. The only thing that is fuzzy is just how far out you are. And then one day you just find your way, you find your magical crack in the wall and you are in. It was a beautiful and ugly day...the day I discovered that I love something else more than I love to write.

This little song well, it's for you/These lovely years, here with you/ and you, you make me run/ and you, you make me want to live/ for you.
-Fisher Lyrics. Song Title: You

The Way The Wind Blows

2010-12-14T21:01:00.000-08:00

I wanted to talk. I wanted to say more than hello and goodbye. I wanted to say congratulations. I wanted to say that I know. I know that life is not black and white-we are all just shades of grey wandering along the vast continuum of our existence. Everything is in complex layers; people, life, situations...none of that is completely black and white. Some how we just have to find the shade of grey that smoothly blends with our soul or peel back slowly, one layer at a time to find the ultimate truth.

It is good to know that I was right about you. About your honor and your goodness. About that light inside of you that has survived dark battles, snow storms, windy nights.
I wanted to tell you that you have pulled through already. As unfair as it may sound, sometimes a single choice changes the course of our lives. The beautiful thing is that you have already made that choice.

But more than that, I wanted to listen. I wanted to hear the new found peace in your voice. I wanted to hear small insignificant details, important plans, exciting dreams...

I wanted (albeit momentarily) to be a part of now.

But I fit better in yesterday. I am the wind in your hair, stopping briefly to touch your skin before I go the other way.

I wanted to stop. To talk, To listen.

But I went the other way because that's the way the wind blows.

To Write Love on Her Arms

2010-11-12T11:32:00.000-08:00

This may not wash off easily...but that is the point.

To write love on her arms is an ongoing anti-suicide, depression and self-harm movement that I learned about from a bumper sticker and then from Facebook.

I am not completely sure how the movement works but I believe in the idea that love mends broken things.

So I will be joining the masses of people writing LOVE on their skin this weekend.

When the ink finally washes off, I pray that LOVE will remain, and that we continue to see through every unkind life circumstance to the truth about ourselves-our beauty, value and inherent strength.

2010-11-11T21:06:00.000-08:00

Dear Diary,

I have perfected the art of walking along the cobblestone on river street in six inch heels. Be proud.

Went to the RMH dinner cruise tonight, and it was cold and beautiful. The river looks so much better at night than it does in the daylight. Savannah is strange and somewhat multi-cultured, and it has grown on me in pretty much the same way sushi has. I can't help but appreciate how much this tiny coastal city has allowed me to grow, and when I look back one day ( I always do)-Savannah memories will elicit many a wistful smile.

Denniece is moving back to Covington in December and I feel like these last few weeks with her are fleeting. I am not prepared to have her faraway, but I am grateful, immensely grateful for having experienced the kind of friendship that makes separation hard.

I know I am brooding a little tonight; brooding at the universe's amazing ability to smile upon me even when she is being a narcissistic little witch.

**quote from the kind voice in my head**: The good thing about remembering your mistakes is that you get to be thankful for not being in that place anymore. Gratitude trumps regret, gives meaning to Amazing Grace.

I would quote the not so kind voice in my head but what good would that add to the world?

goodnight then.

2010-11-06T18:05:00.000-07:00

For a precious brief moment, I found clarity. I rose above heartache, loss, shame, rejection, betrayal,and confusion and saw the beauty of imperfection. Wholesomely I appreciated being human and vulnerable. In waves, the pain will come and go. Sometimes I will miss you more than I can bear, sometimes I will be distracted by life’s mundane things-laundry, homework, a friend’s birthday party… it is true-sometimes I will not remember you. And it is this mixed bowl; the good days, the not-so- good and the can’t get out of bed because I miss your face days…that reminds me that I am alive. It reminds me to take every chance I get to smile, to appreciate every good laugh…to let myself cry when I need to, to be generous with my hugs and with my love…

Yes, to love with all my heart, with holding none for another day. Because now we both know that we don’t always get another day.

A Dozen Yellow Daisies

2010-10-27T19:17:00.000-07:00

One of the best pieces of advice (why do they call them pieces anyway?) I ever got is very simple-learn how to take a break.

I am just really not good at that.

I have missed you. Honestly.

I immerse myself completely in the things that seem critical at the moment, but there is a tiny, tiny bit of me that doesn't seem to forget about writing...being here, talking to you-telling you about the stale sandwich I ate for lunch, 5 o'clock traffic and my passionate views on nail polish.

The last few months have been hard, I've been a bit of a mobile train wreck. Tell your children (if you have any) to be careful, to watch out for the self destruct button. Because it is not so much what other people do to us as it is what we do to ourselves. Sometimes you break your own heart.

It is almost November now, my hair is messy; outside,the leaves have changed colors and the temperatures have dropped enough to warrant apple cider. Inside of me, the waves lap gently at the shore each time taking a few grains of yesterday's sand.

On my desk sit a dozen yellow daisies.

The Simple Truth

2010-08-04T21:46:00.001-07:00

Angry rain drops eventually stopped pelting my window making me realize how very quiet it was. I l got up from the desk, tore my self away from the pictures I was editing and peeked outside. The sky, clearing after the summer storm, seemed friendly, almost inviting.

I left the window, went to the kitchen to refill on coffee and slipped out to the balcony. A gentle moist wind blew in my direction ruffling my already messy hair. I took slow deliberate breaths enjoying the nothingness that surrounded me. It was then that I realized that the tight heaviness, the invisible weight I was feeling was neither stress nor chronic fatigue nor any of the excuses I usually give for any physical discomfort. I was finally on vacation and had time to do the things that make me smile. I had also had plenty of sleep, several fantastic morning runs and the subsequent long steamy showers. I knew then that the weight I couldn't shake was you. All of life's loud noises had faded out to reveal the simple truth about how badly I miss you. I stood out there for a while, in quiet acceptance...finally admitting my vulnerability partly to myself, but mostly to the wind. And then came the inevitable tears;tears held back for as many months as reasons finally slid down the sides of my face dropping out of sight like delayed drops of rain. In the distance, the tops of trees smiled at me, like big soft green cotton balls.

Amazing

2010-06-22T21:08:00.000-07:00

Dear Diary,

today I rocked a gallbladder exam! Be jealous! It was beautiful, complete with a juicy green gall bladder and 94% EF.

Yes, Nuclear Medicine excites me, gall bladders(and all kinds of other organs) make me smile, and I am a geek:-) whatever.

I know the world is plagued with serious problems-disease, hunger, war...et al. I acknowledge the seriousness of it and consequently refrain from overly dwelling on my personal disasters. I will not magnify my tiny, generally insignificant, utterly inconsequential private tragedies because, like I said-it sucks so much more elsewhere.

So, I am learning to celebrate. Every little thing that makes life more livable, everything that inspires me to throw on my faded navy blue scrubs every morning and go be amazing.

Amazing is not some magical ability to wow the world. Amazing is holding on to your sanity, your sense of humor and your ability to act in kindness, to forgive and to love unconditionally. Amazing is the smile my terminal patients give me while I inject chemicals into their veins-chemicals that will make them feel a lot more sick before they feel temporarily better.

Amazing is what you are despite everything; it is the wholeness birthed, ironically by a very ardent kind of brokenness.

And this complex life is a continued opportunity, a new chance every morning to go be Amazing.

Locked my keys in the car again. But I will tell you about that tomorrow. Goodnight.

Falling Awake

2010-06-11T19:05:00.000-07:00

"Monkeys in my heart are rattling their cages" Gary Jules-Falling Awake Lyrics

It has been a long seven days. I feel like I have been barely breathing, taking slow very deliberate but still notably shallow breaths. I am not a drama queen. There are moments when I have wished that I was-wished that I could explode, throw a tantrum, pick a huge fight, scream embarrassingly loudly, fly off the handle and possibly land somewhere soft. Relieved and fulfilled.

Instead, I analyze. I have mentally poured over every single detail, every word that was said…I remember everything, even the slightly peculiar smell of leather seats of car that has been parked in the heat all day. Thinking a lot doesn’t do much good if you are not working a math problem. Life is not math, apparently. When you have them, the formulas are flawed, and most of the time you are on your own. Winging it.

Sometimes everything quiets within me. The noises die down, the rollercoaster pauses and I realize that nothing is broken. Down the rabbit hole- I fell just like Alice. But I must get out of wonderland.

Things I Learned This Weekend

2010-05-16T22:17:00.000-07:00

#1. I can't skate.

#2. I am going to keep Joss Stone & Common "Tell Me What We Gonna Do Now" on repeat for at least a few months.

#3. Nuclear Medicine wears me out, but I miss it inconsolably whenever I get time off. I found my self destruct button, and found out too, that I have already been pushing it.

#4. Blue-berry Muffins are good brain food for Saturday afternoon scrabble games.

#5. "Emotions drive choices, so watch the emotions behind the choices you make" (Yes, I pay attention in church)

#6. There is a bizarre sense of gratification I get from bleaching a toilet.

#7. I want to run back into the past just to hug someone; not for long-just a quick bear hug with the promise to never forget the day we sat under a tree by the pier and got pooped on by pelicans.

#8.Just because you love someone doesn't mean you should allow him/her to hurt you.-From an episode of Army Wives. This is applies to every situation-not just domestic violence.

#9. I am a bit of a wandering soul, a poem writing, introverted, soul searching, music binging insomniac with workaholic tendencies.

#10.Underneath all this silliness, I feel just the way I did that muggy fall day I sat waiting at my terminal in JFK airport. A 5 hour layover, junk food,rushing crowds, the fancy airport coffee shop, High Fidelity in my lap, and my toe still bleeding from running my luggage over it.

2010-04-27T21:35:00.000-07:00

Dear Diary,

Tonight is a Sade and India.Arie kind of night. Hazelnut coffee and left over’s from last night’s Chinese takeout. I am choosing ignore all the shoes on the floor, unfolded laundry and all other moderate but self created annoyances.

April has been a mostly quiet month, filled with routine chaos…music, half read books, unfinished poems, growing older, a really fulfilling oncology rotation, a charming new relationship, rain, plenty of rain…and the always unending list of nuclear medicine to –do’s.

I spent a few weeks holding my breath for Allie who had a breast cancer scare…it is weird how even working where I work; I still thought things like that do not happen to me, or to people near and dear. Denial? Coping mechanism? I don’t know. I just know that I am reminded now how vulnerable we are, how unpredictable our collective and personal worlds can be, and how critical it is therefore to face our fears bravely, our friends compassionately, our foes with forgiveness, everyday with gratitude and every moment with music.

It is raining in savannah tonight, and I curl up with my review material cramming for Monday’s final, fighting the need to watch the Lakers game, or to close my eyes and drift away into complete nothingness…into a land without deadlines or un-pressed scrubs. After a while you get used to physical exhaustion, make peace with the absence of downtime and embrace your zombie mode with arms wide open.

A side note: You know that proverbial breath of fresh air? I think it found meJ

Flat Line

2010-04-01T07:28:00.001-07:00

For Princess,because my pool and I agree that you must return this summer:-) Come home!!

I have a happy memory of a sad time a few years ago; of a windy summer night I worked late and came home to silence. I remember standing in the shower watching as the steam fogged the mirror so that I couldn't see the tears in my eyes even though I knew they were there. I remember how soft the rug felt under my sore feet, and how gently my pillow embraced my face. I fell asleep to the hum of the ceiling fan, and in the background I could faintly tell that I had left music on somewhere...maybe in the living room, may it was just my head. I suspect greatly though that it was in my soul.
On the makeshift dresser by my bed a can of pepsi sat going flat; symbolic perhaps of the oncoming emptyness-no highs, no lows, just a life that would blur into a basic non-event.

Staring Into My Mother's Eyes

2010-03-18T08:56:00.000-07:00

“So have you been to a place like this, to see your breath as it paints against the sky?” Umbrellas lyrics-The City Lights

Traffic on Abercorn that morning was lighter than usual, and I was almost twenty minutes ahead of my schedule. I drove with my left hand, the right wrapped around a Styrofoam coffee cup I had picked up on my way into town. It was maybe a little less than 40 degrees, but for me that was cold-so I switched hands between holding the wheel and carefully caressing my morning coffee. I weirdly had no music on; it was just me and my thoughts, my barely brushed tangles waving at me in the rearview mirror, and the backpack on the back seat-a reminder of burdens I carried occasionally with purposeful intent, but mostly subconsciously. I slowed to a stop when the light turned red and noticed her at the bus stop. She stood facing oncoming traffic, her brown trench coat wrapped completely around her. She was unconventionally beautiful, not delicate and wispy-she looked strong and firm yet feminine. Her stance disturbingly familiar, the lines on her face telling many tales-tales of broken promises, many years of waiting, many tears choked back-unwept, dreams deferred and love lost. She had clearly been intimate with brokenness and yet her eyes communicated a bizarre sense of peace. She must have been studying me too, because we made eye contact. I attempted the southern nod of acknowledgement which she did not return. She just gently gazed at me and when the light was green, I drove away shaking the eerie feeling that I was staring into my mother’s eyes.

Apart from the woman at the bus stop, screeching tires and the sound of breaking glass…I don’t seem to remember much from that morning. I didn’t see the black SUV speeding through the intersection in my direction, and I didn’t feel the air bag slap me in the face or my car door crumble violently into my side. I just know today, how to recognize the strange albeit amazing feeling I get when my mother is praying for me. I also know that I do not know very much at all.

To Love Completely

2010-03-08T20:54:00.000-08:00

Sometimes he smiles and says "Ilike you". Softly and sweetly like he really does. And I quietly wonder how we ended up living in a world where we must tone down something as beautiful as love. Why we must find a gentler way to feel, perhaps a less offensive emotion…as though liking were only a euphemism for loving. Why do we need a euphemism for love? Will we teach our children to love, but only mildy? To care, but just a little bit? When did we stop embracing with careless abandon, when did we cease to love completely?

Songs, Confessions and other extremely irrelevant things.

2010-03-03T16:39:00.000-08:00

To Faith Washburn: Because when you say "how are you?", you really want to know how I am. And Because, I have lately been too busy to really tell you.

#1. Dear John
I wanted to see this movie just to get a good cry in. I haven't cried in so long, obviously not from the lack of things to cry about-just the lack of (I guess) inner permission to fall apart. It is like there is a miniature version of my mother inside my head constantly reminding me that I can't be a big baby. Or something macho like that. There is a school of thought proposing that crying releases endorphins. In the past I have only got those from running a couple of miles or going to kick boxing class. the thought of sitting in a dark room with strangers and staring at the screen while we all pitifully wept seemed great. So last weekend, I went. I however, didn't cry.It's not that miniature mommy won again, i think it is just not as sad as the media hype led me to believe. Still, you should see it if you are the type who loves movies that make you feel things.

#2.Please Don't Stop the Rain-James Morrison
Over the last seven and half weeks, I poured my being into a jar labelled cardiology. It has been a passionate love affair really, I am in fact considering this as my specialty if I ever get insane enough to sign up for that board exam. On Sunday mornings around 6, when I got up to get a head start on my lab work and reports I usually played James Morrison. This song reminds me of scented candles,pajama pants, dark coffee and sweet stress-the kind of stress you don't mind feeling for the rest of your life. (Except the part where I don't get to sleep in over the weekend)

#3. Speaking of Dark coffee-I was explaining to my still teenage friend, that your twenties are characterized by changes different from the teenage ones. It is not so much the sudden arrival of facial hair or in my case depressingly small boobs (you know the ones no else knows about except you). The truth is these teenage changes are not so confusing because you can google them, and get a search engine to tell you that the hair on your face is called a beard. In your twenties however, when you realize suddenly that you dont want cream in your coffee anymore, you wont even add sugar...thats confusing. And no, not even google can help you with that.
And oh, in case you were curious...the boob situation got a tiny winy bit better:D

#4.Jason Derulo-In my head/ Whatcha say
Music critics tend to bash mainstream pop. Thats why I am not a music critic. I am a music hugger/embrace all. I have to be really honest, when I heard Imogen Heap's hide and seek , I didn't turn it up. It is a beautiful song, but it is also a song you don't sing to the stranger in the supermarket line because it is stuck in your head. It is a stuck in your soul kind of song.
Jason Derulo on the other hand is the stuck in your head kind of person, with his watchasay and in my head. Radio stations will nauseate you with overplay if they havent already-but you gotta admit it; the world needs some sing out loud in the ATM line songs, some lyrically lacking but still very addictive music.

#5. Telephone-Lady Gaga & Beyonce
I guess now is a good time to announce that I finally found the Lady Gaga song I somewhat identify with.
It kinda reminds me of Destiny's Child bug-a-boo.
Mean, selfish, songs that are sadly true.

#6. Hillsong United-All Of the Above
On a more serious note, this 2007 Hillsong United album turns out to be my favorite worship album. Without consulting my Itunes libary for play stats, i would have blurted out something by Chris Tomlin, because you know Chris is charming with his voice and his style and je ne sais quoi.
I realized though, that All of the Above is my top played worship album and I wasn't shocked, considering it is a blend of soft pious songs and then the badass rock with acoustic and electric guitar overtones you wouldn't be able to resist.
What do I look for in a worship album? All of the above; and the friendly welcoming lyrics that enrich your quiet time without making you feel like this thing with God will never work out because you are so lame and He is so amazing.
Have you ever been to a church that made you feel that way? Well...I won't get into that soap box.

#7. Carry Out-Timbaland & Timberlake
It is really quite simple. When I hear this song, I feel like it is Friday night.
I feel everything from the energy on a dimly lit dance floor, to the slight buzz! Yup, ignore the lyrics and dance.

#8. Jay Sean.
Feels really good. Might also be over played. But do we care? Not if he brings your workout to life and reminds you why the universe gets slightly off balance when you don't dance in a long time.
I haven't got the album, but Down and Do You Remember are all over the radio, indicating perhaps that there is something there.

#9.If you post the songs or random things that are making you smile lately in my comment section I will not be offended. I will however be offended if you fail to come up with a reason to smile! I have designated driver duties tonight...so smile at least because you don't have to drive your drunk friends to their respective homes all the while praying they don't puke on your dash or back seat.

#10. In a few weeks of course, we might have to do a whole new list because we all have this tendency to move on, don't we? We move on from everything. And that by the way, might be one of God's most fantastic gifts to mankind. The ability to go forward, even though this might suck if you don't really know where to go next.

When Shadows Merge

2010-01-06T11:50:00.000-08:00

We sat at the top of the stairs trying to be understanding, to be sensitive about the fact that we do not want the same things, or maybe we do but haven’t figured that out yet. I petted the puppy, as though some how the loving gesture would return to me, like instant karma.
Underneath a light layer of makeup and hair pulled back into a pony tail, I concealed a pounding headache, one I had had all night probably from thinking too much, walking the delicate line between lovers and friends too long, trying to care with out caring, to bare all without baring. He spoke gently, chose his words wisely and attempted to make eye contact. I listened quietly, silenced the voices in my head demanding coffee and gave the occasional appropriate response.
In the morning, the sun rudely pours in through the bare upstairs windows, bathing the walls, and the furniture in its warm yellow glow. If I had a say I would have had blinds put in, or at least put up drapes-but then that is part of the trouble with being raised to be proper. You will miss the morning sun, which by the way is a gift on January mornings. I enjoyed the warm feel where the sun hit my skin, and how oddly beautiful wood floors looked under the morning light. On the wall beside us, our shadows merged. I would have laughed happily at the unwritten poetry, and at the sudden sunny realization that I have grown up. But- the conversation was serious, each word weighed, our tones measured, loaded with subtexts.
It was exhausting really, and I found myself staring at his nose, which is an okay nose as far as noses go I am sure. But in my incontrovertibly smitten head, it is a fantastic nose. I did eventually put the puppy down, tearing myself away from an emotionally inconclusive discussion and from the said nose. A cup of coffee, two Tylenols and a glass of water later, I sat peacefully on my bathroom floor attempting to give myself a pedicure. I debated between two shades - rich burgundy and slutty red while I filed the nails, trying to redeem a broken one. Sooner or later, I have found, we start to see the beauty of broken things, imperfection, pain and empty dreams.

Good Tidings

2009-12-17T16:14:00.000-08:00

It has been a busy month with all the end of academic year pandemonium hence the lack of blogging. I even got convinced to do the adult christmas program at church this year and now there is photo evidence on the web of me singing 'joy to the world' and this fact alone wouldn't bad ( I'm a little photogenic on most days)...but most people know I bash Christmas. So now I know they are thinking I am quite the box of contradictions. They are not wrong.
I am confusing even to myself.
However, in a few and far between moments of clarity I know without a doubt that deep inside(wherever that is) we all want the same things. To be happy, to love and to be loved, to spend ourselves those ways we find rewarding albeit not monetarily. So, I might be confused by the jingling bells and the twinkling lights, pissed off by the distance between the ones I'd rather spend the holidays with and myself, thrilled at the prospect of all these days off, but I am sure about all the ways in which we are all the same.

Christmas trees have actually come to stand for the triumph of hope over circumstance-all shiny and bright against the dull grey December backdrop. I am a little concerned that I might put one up this year.

Anyway, this note is, or was supposed to be for Joshi. And for the man I am in love with. And for everyone else who is ambivalent about Christmas.
I wish you many moments of childlike awe, of unadulterated mirth, moments that feel just like Christmas used to feel. But even more than that, I wish you enough distraction from reality to get you through the less than merry moments; I wish you good books,long naps and as much red velvet cake as you could possibly ingest. And then I wish you love. Because love, even though accused of many terrible things, continues to be the one thing that makes the good better, and the bad bearable. So yes, I wish you plenty of love.
Merry Christmas!
xoxo

The Heart Of Life

2009-11-10T18:05:00.000-08:00

On Life and Other John Mayerish things:

I was downstairs in cardiology this morning for a bit to escape the insanely low temperatures in Nuc Med and to help with a stress test. Cardiology is like a pimped out coffee shop, smells of Creme Brulee and has a straight from the screen assortment of Cardio gods. So you know where I am if you call my floor and I am not there. Just Kidding. I was distracted, wowed in fact by one of the said Cardio gods, completely impressed by the amount of information he effortlessly spewed out sounding like he was an audio text book. Yup. Everything was amazing and picture perfect until I looked down and saw red socks. Yes, a shameful sad looking pair of red socks. What kind of self respecting cardiologist wears all red sports socks with dress shoes? And they say nucs are weird.

I can't believe how long it has been since I wrote anything. So much as has happened that it would be a bit overwhelming on my part trying to correctly spell all of it. I am however doing great-4 weeks into my 7 week rotation,very tired but also inspired,going back and forth between euphoria and insanity. I have learned that all bleeding stops...one way or the other. And that I evidently will judge a doctor by his socks.

I have also learned that sometimes you will break your own heart, sunshine burns when you get too much,sometimes you will doubt the things you have known all your life. Some things suck, some doctors make crappy socks decisions.
"no it won't all go the way it should, but I know the heart of life is good"-John Mayer/heart of life/Continuum

So Be Positive, Be Amazing, Be a John Mayer Junkie!

A Cupfull of Yesterday

2009-10-12T18:25:00.000-07:00

On rainy Monday nights in the fall when I make a huge bowl of apple cider...and when the wind crashes angrily against my living room window, I miss you. And I realize that I have missed you all along,but attempting to cope I hurried along life's busy road, never stopping to acknowledge that I felt a void. Never letting myself cry when forgetting I reached for your hand, found none and pretended to have never reached at all. Until now when I sit in what used to be your favorite recliner,watching the candles whose flames cast dancing shadows on the wall. Fall scents embrace me, perhaps a little more than I have recently allowed anyone to hold me. But I let them in,I let myself go back to the little things that represent you, like cinnamon and caramel apple spice. Until I finally start to feel you, just enough to know how badly I need you to be here and how cold this place has become. Sometimes we convince ourselves that moving on is healthier, but it might be that moving on is easier. Easier than lingering in places that still feel like they used to be and yet no longer are, easier than sitting alone,in a semi-lit room drinking the apple cider I poured for you.

He Told Her

2009-09-07T19:23:00.000-07:00

He told her,
that it is the slight pout she wears-unaware, the way she dances to the song in her head, her tiny feet bare, her braids everywhere.
He said it is the fluid way she switches between adult and little girl, responsibility and childlike hysteria. He told her, it is the way she never walks- always runs up the stairs, her pony tail bouncing delightfully behind her, and the way she looks up at him and for no apparent reason laughs. He said it is the pseudo bravery, trying to kill a bug while screaming at the top of her lungs. It is how she curls up in a ball on the couch, how her eyes light up at the sight of a coffee cup, how she hides in her shell when she has a long day, and later unfurls to envelope his soul with her love,open, undamaged, unbroken, unending.
She lay hidden under her ocean of teal covers,her breathing slow-she'd been sleeping for hours, and kneeling beside her bed,he finally told her.

Hawaii and Hammocks

2009-08-31T21:07:00.000-07:00

Just kidding. There is no such thing as a vacation on the horizon for me; unless you count the fact that I am going to bed as soon as I am done here. Still, it doesn't hurt to wish, does it?

This was a bipolar day. Monday blues in the morning, a weird bliss in the traffic, zoned out most of the 8am class, texted Phillip the rest of the morning and then slid into a major paranoid frenzy when I realized just how grave the situation is concerning my radiopharmacy class, for which the first exam is tomorrow. (Insert horrified scream!)
I lined up in Burnett Hall for 45 minutes, then got to the window only to find that I was supposed to be in Victor Hall...so I went there and lined up for an hour, then the chica at the window said come back tomorrow. (Insert Lightning and Thunder)

On a happy note,Allie called me and made me laugh, at her and at myself and at life in general. If she were a book, she'd be my diary. It is kinda spooky how much we have in common-including this bizarre and completely old ladyish(In my world it is perfectly okay to make words up as you go) need to sit outside and just absorb, you know, life. Allie, I know you'll read this-I love that I can be 83 years around you and its all good!

I missed Zumba today because I was stupidly falling apart in the parking lot following the afternoon's insanity, but I ran all the way up stairs in the rain before I collapsed into a weirdly deep nap in which I saw my life story and all the things I achieved (and didn't achieve) and heard the mean voice telling me how much more I can do with my life if only I believed in myself more and pushed harder.
Yes, it gets a little sickening. All the things people(or voices for that matter) tell you when you are 20 something and trying to figure it out-it's like they forget how it felt not having a freaking idea what to do about most things.

And so it rained for hours in Savannah this afternoon, but it wasn't so much the rain outside as it was the storm within.

Help the Monster!

2009-08-25T09:17:00.000-07:00

You know that overwhelming feeling that wraps around you when you are swamped?

This weekend mostly felt that way. I have come to the disappointing realization that I am not superman...or woman if we are going to get all analytical about everything I say( which we really shouldn't because most of it is being processed by only half a brain cell)

If you know me even slightly, you know that I am hyper-organized; but no degree of planning or organization could have prepared me for the schedule insanity I have going on. Even after I clear my schedule of all self created activities, there still is not enough time in the world to do everything.

I had no idea that it would come to picking between church and assignments, but it did. And if you care to know-one of the most annoying voices in my head is the one that tells me over and over again when I am NOT putting God first. But this is not a religious/pious rant.
This is just me beefing(sheesh..like you don't use the word!) at life in general for being as busy as it is.

I canceled Guitar class on Saturday which literally aborted my plans to join Lincoln Brewster's Band.
I also called off movie plans-and honestly this is not a big deal;I don't care that much. What really sucked, was sitting in Starbucks all weekend trying to get the 300 nuclear math problems done, so that I could write the paper due on Tuesday morning and study for the test on Thursday. It all sucked because I really was supposed to be shopping with the little sister( and Princess), playing guitar and eating Mexican with Keith! It is after all the stuff we do on the weekend that helps us get through the week.
And so my face book status on Monday read: please God, let there be Friday!

I am entirely over scheduled for the next seven weeks,and I am concerned that in the rat race to find my dreams, I am turning into a monster who doesn't go to church, eat or socialize.

This monster needs help!

Blur and Blah

2009-08-21T13:26:00.001-07:00

I can't.
Write.
Or breathe.
of Late.

She said I am a good egg. I wonder when I will hatch.

He said I must believe in something bigger than myself. And now I wonder about that too, you see-most things are bigger than me. 18 wheelers. cows. the world. all of them.

On Repeat:Damien Rice, 9 crimes

*Falling Awake

2009-08-05T22:11:00.000-07:00

“To live in hearts we leave behind is not to die”.
Thomas Campbell

This morning I found under the seat, a parking decal from what feels like a long time ago. A long time ago when I stopped at a pharmacy on a summer night, when you said you love chocolate and water (together) and I laughed at the odd food choice, inwardly loving the eccentricity of stranger passing through. Passing through town, and evidently through my world. Blind to your own journeys ahead, you hoped that you would stay around and we would play; outside in the sun, in the sand. In the morning we used to pray on the phone, you wide awake and me barely coherent. You laughed at my enunciation and repeated everything I said, and most times we both completely forgot the truth, lost in a beautiful world no one else understood. I found entirely new pieces of me while I talked for hours in a coffee shop with you; and I stop sometimes on the bridge where the car hit you. Underneath, the waves are calm and on my skin the wind is gentle.
It seems that there is a sudden silence where once music used to play; an aching quietness that engulfs both those who dare to admit it and those who remain in the fast lane, in denial, unable to acknowledge inevitable change. It might be comforting (or not, I haven’t really been able to decide) to know that this is not a sudden finale. It is more like a long jazz song slowly fading into nothingness, the sand in an hour glass gradually shifting to the bottom, while we watch helpless-unable to control destiny. So we pick up our pieces, learn our lessons, laugh at the irony, maybe cry a little, and then move on the general direction of wholeness. I can’t help but smile because I hear your laughter in my head, loud, contagious and sweet. Just like you used to be. Just like you still must be.

*Title of Gary Jules' very appropriate song.

Together Again

2009-07-13T18:23:00.000-07:00

I have a childhood memory, in which you and I thought we were adults. We watched enough CNN to have elaborate conversations about Bill Clinton, and you taught me how to rewind a VCR tape. I remember staring over your shoulder at the screen of the huge IBM laptop you had then, amazed at the sound, at the sax, and at the way the music made me feel. The very first smooth jazz song I ever heard was Dave Koz's Together Again. And now so many years later, so many Larry King live shows later, so many jazz artists later(Boney James,Russ Freeman & The Ripplingtons!!), I can still rewind back to childhood, to looking up to you, to thinking you knew everything...(this is not entirely untrue)
to loving you, even though we had our fair share of sibling fights.
I don't write letters, but I know your heart will read this the next time you hear together again.
It is wonderful to grow up, and so much more wonderful to have grown up with you.
Thanks for the memories and for the music!(and hey, the extra cash you slipped me in high school will not be forgotten). Do not grow old and boring before I see you again...because ultimately our destiny is Together Again.

Brain Damage

2009-07-09T10:02:00.000-07:00

It's been raining all morning, all week really and that is wonderful because 100 degree temperatures sort of steal the fun out of summer.
I have had a hectic week, a little more overloaded than usual and so having a couple of hours to sit here this morning and catch up on my own random stuff seemed like a slice of heaven. The only trouble is I haven't had the presence of mind to get anything done. I've been texting Keith all morning, and reading celebrity gossip and trying to figure out what to do with my hair.
I think having 5 exams in three days gives you brain damage. Maybe that is why I can't do anything productive.
There is a blogger, Islander...she speaks to the soul and tickles the mind! She is my sister but clearly thats not what this PR thing is about. This is about poems like this and posts like that. You can't help the addiction.
I'm going to shut down and go to the track to see if I can heal brain damage by running a few miles in the rain.
Happy Weekend.

The Update ( Literally)

2009-07-02T19:51:00.000-07:00

The Pleasant Things:
* We are past the 30 day mark, and now there is no going back. The first month has been a blend of good, bad and very scary! I love my classmates…they are all crazy, the cadavers don’t bother me and it has become very apparent that my comfort zone has expanded to embrace all the new things I have encountered. The verdict is-this is one of the best decisions I ever made!

* The Intel commercial. So contagious!

* I have Friday off this week. Hence the long overdue update.

* Cheap Shampoo. 5 bucks, huge name brand bottle with conditioner at Walgreen's. We will survive this recession with clean shiny hair! Yeah baby!

* I'm in love with the Mazda3! It is small and sexy without being 'pimp' like...they don't have them in green (which is crazy) but black is great substitute. So I'm hoping that for some reason I'll have 20K sometime soon! And yes for the record, color, shape and sound system are the only car features I genuinely care about. Whatever with the horsepower.

*We are going to River Street tonight! I love River Street because it’s like magic when the boats are coming in, and the million tiny lights glow in the dark, the tipsy people run around with cups…

* Keri Hilson. I stole this music off someone’s laptop one afternoon during class just to you know, see what the fuss is about. It turns out the fuss is about the ease with which she seems to be singing (even the high notes!) and the fun feel of r&b/hip-hop merge she has going on. And it’s strange because usually this is not my cup of tea.

The not-so pleasant things:
*Poor Farrah Fawcett. Shouldn’t you win if you fight so hard?

*I’ve missed writing here. Why can’t I be one of those super balanced people who manage to do everything they have to do and still have time to do the things they want to do?

*My split ends are comparable to a huge broom. I neither have the time to get them trimmed nor the courage to do it myself.

*My Insurance Company is a load of crap. And that’s all I’m saying!

Other Things:
*Sometimes when I work very late, I create imaginary bodyguards to walk me through the parking lot. They are all huge and scary looking if you are a ‘bad’ person, but to everyone else they are handsome and deliciously funny and they get home safely every night!

*I have turned into a morning person. Who ever knew that I would become one of those perky annoying people who start talking to you before you are completely awake?

*I hope all you cyber friends are doing well. I’m going to try to read some of your updates, but I don’t know how long the luxury of blog hopping is going to last. All the same we are all only a click away…literally! Be good, work hard, laugh often and always, always kiss with your eyes closed, always!
xoxo
Scotch.

....

2009-06-10T20:44:00.000-07:00

In response to a melodramatic email I received today, I am not dead, or dying or eloped with him to the Bahamas. I am not in jail either. I am settling in at Armstrong Atlantic State University, still finding my way from parking lot to the multiple venues professors delight themselves with during summer semester. Transitioning is not much fun, but the environment is pro-learning. I found that the only couch on campus is at the front of the library and this defeats the point of having a couch on campus because that is all together not a very conducive place to take the much needed nap! The Nuc. Med majors here are a funny group...we are all different, but the same in many ways. I still have to get to know everyone better, but i think I already like them, I think even you would like them. The professor is an enthusiastic sugar bear to put it mildly, and I am already wondering what I'll do without her when graduation is here. (obviously I haven't learned rule #1 yet: Thou shalt not attach to those from whom you will have to unattach in the near future)
You will also be pleased to know that the guys here open doors and pull out chairs, sort of like an old British movie. We are however not characters in a black and white movie. Our lives are real, complete with unnecessary fears, traumatizing unannounced tests, long days, late nights, and moments of utterly overwhelming despair. Underneath all that though, we are loving it! Because when you finally find your calling, all the huddles are only bends in the road to your happily ever after.
Because the 14 week material is being crammed into 8 weeks,I am incredibly busy, I am in fact surprised by the length of what was supposed to be a space filler post. I don't know how often I will write, I honestly haven't had the clarity lately to write anything longer than a text message( I told you a have text messaging problems!!)
Sometimes in the middle of a boring path. report I realize how much I miss blogging, and then I am swept back into the world of due dates and painful research. I will return soon though, sooner than I know, because we all know, I never run off for too long.

Munich

2009-05-25T17:00:00.001-07:00

"It breaks when you don't force it, It breaks when you don't try" Munich Lyrics

For many years I went back to a place that used to be important, partly to find you and partly to try and win this continued battle between the things that change and the things that remain the same. It is a sunny patio in the morning, and because of the house, the wind would be imperceptible except for the ever so slight rustling of the leaves of the trees in the backyard. It still felt good to sit there in the sun, the silence is still friendly and warm, pretty much like an old person you have known for a long time. There is a song, Munich by Corrine Bailey Rae that played on that backyard back then, back when, I could still find you if I sat still for long enough. I don’t go there anymore, and it is not that I grew cold or that I will not let my heart linger anymore. On the contrary, savoring the proverbial moment means more to me now than it ever has. Because, the old clichés are true; time passes, people grow , moments pass and even the most beautiful songs end. There is a place on Cypress Mill that used to be important, my heart still remembers it and all that it stands for but now there is a new place I have to go. You said that when it was time to let you go, I would be ready. It is time to let you go, and I am ready, even though the hand pressed against my window shakes slightly, I know you are not here anymore.

Inbetween

2009-05-18T21:18:00.001-07:00

I'm not in school right now, and I will not be for about two weeks and that is excellent really, because I need to completely reinvent myself even though I'm not very sure what that entails. The only problem is I'm in between universities, jobs, lives...basically, and in between is such a weird place to be. I am sitting up tonight with all this paperwork, none of it is complex, but it is repetitive and boring, and outside the rain is pouring, and I can't help but think that I am taking it all too seriously. I tried for a few days to figure out what my favorite songs are and even that seemed somewhat trying, anyway, 9 Crimes (Damien Rice) still tugs at me every time, without fail, and I'm in love with him a little bit.
Do you remember that Evanescence song 'my immortal', do you remember the soft silence that it seemed to carry almost tangibly out of the speakers and into your reality, does your soul still gently sway to the sound of the keyboard, do you still find yourself wistfully returning to some places you haven't been in many years?
Maybe not anymore, but 9 crimes still feels like that to me.
I have been here before, I've been in between before, and I know that I do not like it very much; but, I like the downtime, the time to sit at bistro tables with my music, and a pencil, to write mindless sentences that mirror my transition, to attempt to dream of a future that is as far away as it is close. I'm a blessed ( or cursed) with a pensive disposition and that might be why I'm awake now, sitting under my rudely bright kitchen light, concluding that life is beautiful. I'm not very sure how exactly to work it, but it is beautiful.

That Tag Thing From Years Ago ( and some songs to go along)

2009-05-13T17:00:00.000-07:00

“Two am and she calls me because I am still awake” Breathe, Ann Nalick

I‘ve been having a distressfully busy final two weeks of spring semester, and I’ve been finding it hard to be human; you know wash my hair, sleep, smile at strangers. I guess this is the honesty thingy number one. I have tunnel vision when I am on a mission. This knowledge will hopefully placate the dears who tagged me six years ago…and I will proceed confidently knowing that I earned some forgiveness simply by voicing my rather lousy excuse.

#2 “I am hazard to myself” P!nk

I moved into a two storey apartment last summer, and I spent the first few weeks recovering from the most embarrassing falls down the stairs that occurred between 5:30am-and 6am on two separate mornings. I was on a quest to get coffee from the kitchen so that I could wake up. Now, raise your hands if you think I should move back in with daddy, just for safety!

#3“Walking stumbling, on these shadow feet” Shadow Feet, Brooke Fraser

I have absolutely no idea what I am doing most of the time. Life feels like a continual leap of faith, and I know most people fall for it, the confidence in my eyes and the occasional slouch that says ‘I don’t really care’. Truth is, life is very scary, and I care a lot. It is just too hard to walk around all day trembling, so instead I dance to the stupid lady gaga songs on repeat in the cafeteria, and I give the world my most self assured smile. p.s-poker face!!

#4“Our lives are made in these small hours, these little wonders” Little Wonders,Rob Thomas

I have a text messaging record that apparently rivals that of a spoiled teenager! My mother’s side of the story about this (I will tell you mine later) is that I texted( is this even really a word?) the buttons off my then very sturdy phone literally. A reason perhaps, for shipping me off to daddy? (Mom if you read this (and that chance is there because you do have eyes everywhere) you should be proud to know, that I don’t text while eating dinner, or taking a shower anymore. Progress!

#5“It’s our problem free, philosophy…” Lion King soundtrack/Hakuna Matata

One night last sem, I went out to the lake on campus with the entire student government bunch of us, two guitars, caramel truffles and peppermint Altoids, to sing all the lion king soundtracks with some Howie day thrown in into the night. Apparently the best college memories are the ones you make when you are doing something other than what you are supposed to be doing (read study for finals). The confession in this one is, I guess, that I am just like everybody else with the procrastinating.

#6 “You give me the sweetest taboo”-Sade, Sweetest Taboo

Last spring I climbed the forbidden tree!!! There is a huge oak at the pier on st. Simons that has been dubbed ‘lover’s oak’. They way its branches spread from the trunk left a huge bough on it if I can say it like that, so two people can sit in it. So , without any coaxing, but with a little help, I abandoned all my manners (as defined by the nuns who taught me in high school) ,went up the oak, and the merge of slight rebellion laced with mild adventure was gloriously charming!

#7 “somewhere in my youth or childhood, I must have done something good” Sound of Music Soundtrack/Something Good

Do you ever feel like your life is not your own? Like everything that’s happening is happening to someone else? It is not really all the big things (even though those stun me when they happen) it is mostly tiny everyday things. Like the green m&m’s I find on my pillow, and the sticky notes I find stuck on my wind shield under the wiper, it is the convenient parking spot when I am late. You know that feeling when you don’t have much money & the dude in the Starbucks drive through window says it is ‘free Frappucino Friday!’

#8 “You take me to this high, I feel like I can fly” Music, Vivian Green

I know that life would be close to unlivable if we didn’t have music. There are the songs that remind me to breathe when life is suffocating, the ones that hug me when I am sad, and the ones I take on long trips so I can dream, and think, and literally float through traffic! There is a song for everything, some more relevant than others, some good only for making fun of with my more critical friends, but still essential! I will not be offended if you don’t take your ear phones off to listen to me, because I completely understand that there are days when the only thing worth listening to is the song completing you. What’s the confession here? I am abandoning this post here to go listen to a very important play list!

#9 I don't think I actually finished this, or followed the rules, but are you surprised? You should not be.

Celebrating Every Tiny Victory!

2009-05-07T07:32:00.000-07:00

I found the most sexy pair of heels for a giveaway price at TJMaxx, and I will wear them tomorrow with my big, fat gown, wink at the dean, grab my degree and toss the cap in the air!
Apparently,graduation doesn't get old no matter how many times it is done!

"Graduation speeches were invented largely in the belief that outgoing college students should never be released into the world until they have been properly sedated". Garry Trudeau

The Reason

2009-04-24T20:49:00.000-07:00

It is in a million little things really; the magic you have added to my existence. It is in the gentle way you correct me when I am wrong, you let it go, you forgive me. It is the way you hold me when I am sad, in the silences that no words can fill. And in the long hugs you give me, like tomorrow will not come, and if we let go, life as we know it might come undone.
It is in the way your shirt feels against my skin, the way your fingers tug lightly at my hair, it is the whispers I barely hear, your possessive arm around my waist in public, it is the way you say good morning...
You don't have guess, to wonder why I'm still so tangled in you.The reason is in a million little things,it is in the way you love me baby,the way you mend my basic brokenness, the way you heal my fundamental loneliness.

I'm old and other blah blah blah.

2009-04-17T00:00:00.000-07:00

In the last ten years I have grown 4” (yes, only 4!!!, is that a perpetual height deficiency happening or what?), slept on three beaches, talked myself into going to nuclear med school, then talked myself out of it, just to talk myself into it again the next morning, I have written sappy poems and let a few people read them, danced in the rain, climbed a tree, stayed on the phone till 6 in the morning. I painted my toes a playful shade of green one night and wore pigtails to a final on a windy December morning. There were sad grades, missed deadlines, missing keys and broken hearts. But there were also delirious highs, news so good that it made me cry, long hugs and ice-cream cones shared in a dark parking lot. There were seasons of utter confusion, the mother of all identity crises, “oh mother who am I? Will I be pretty or rich? And there was her calm voice singing que sera, sera, whatever will be, will be”. And it was. There were wonderful people, the kind of people, whose voices have remained in my head over the years, keeping me straight and making me laugh. Then there were the ones I had to know to grow, the ones that tempted me to believe that people can break you. But because 10 years give a lot of clarity, I know now, that people only shake you, and even that only goes as far as you let it. There were events that redefined the future, terse conversations, two funerals, and that airport in Dubai; with millions of tiny the lights reflecting in to the water at night, in a way that makes you want to dance to a song only you can hear! The evolution is amazing, the series of changes from boy band posters on my walls, now to dignified picture frames of family&friends. There’ve been a few slaps, but more embraces, trials came with more than sufficient graces. The joy of life is in the big picture; complete with all the speeding tickets, long sad goodbyes, drunk karaoke, fractures, degrees, second chances, salsa dances, morning runs, long phone calls, music, mashed potatoes and in the promise of the future, the promise of an inwardly rewarding career, of seeing you again, of surviving the next six semesters, of custom made scrubs (yeah baby!!), of cheesecake, and tickets to India.Arie, the chance that I will make myself happy and simultaneously make you proud! It is the fact that there are no guarantees, and that there are a million different ways the story can go that makes me so thankful. Birthdays (when sober) are a perfect place to momentarily stop, look back and smile, (insert cake), and then go forward armed with the love in your life, and the song in your head. (Sorry if you were hoping for some kind of high tech weapon…LOL).
So thank you for the laughs, for life, for all these years of unconditional love :)

Happy Birthday also, to Nick Hornby & to Jennifer Garner!!!

There are perks, you know!

2009-04-16T07:33:00.001-07:00

So, tomorrow when I wake up, and I am old-there will be comforting words resonating in my head: strawberry cheesecake.
Come over( after 10) if you want in. You don't have to be old to get in, but I do have a preference.
Happy Weekend.

Now, Isn't Life so Beautiful!!

2009-04-09T06:39:00.000-07:00

It is the way I drowned you in my optimism,

choked you with my sermon about the better days ahead;

and now he is dead, and I can't find the words to say.

"It is the black fly in your Chardonnay...

...ten thousand spoons

when all you need is a knife..."

Like the open book test

when you don't have your book!

so freaking beautiful!!!

To Allie, because your sorrow is haunting, because you miss him, and I miss the idea of you laughing-I miss believing, and dreaming, and the indulging in shallow talk of spas, and caramel layered icecream. I miss the lie, because the truth seems too disillusioning.

why people who borrow my notes go slightly crazy

2009-03-31T10:23:00.000-07:00

The thing is, hopelessly mingled in with the class work are other things that might not relate.
To the people in my life who make me day dream, to the writers whose lyrics remain in my head, and to the professors who've lost my attention over the last few weeks.

*"I want to change the world, Instead I sleep"( Ingrid Michelson lyrics)

*"I am thankful that I can feel you actively loving me even when I am actively being undeserving" ( A note to God)

*" and yes he is a beautiful man, but he is also a beautiful friend" (India. Arie lyrics)

*" prescription, milk, shampoo" ( reminder)

* " stop, look , listen" ( song title-Boney James)

*" is there a worse fashion statement than white socks on a guy really?" ( unclassified)

*" this blows!" (unclassified)

* " strawberries and cool whip"( rated R)

* "Download Lincoln Brewster" ( reminder)

*" Lunch!!!" ( unclassified)

* " love is not a myth! You are the evidence" (love notes)

*" ain't it funny how you think you got your whole life planned, just to find out it was never in your hands" ( sugababes lyrics)

* "it's not the green shirt or the heels, i just feel tall and glamorous today" ( self adoration)

* " you drive like a maniac and yet somehow I love you-does that make me a maniac?" ( love notes).

*" remember to keep warm, take shelter from the storm, a cold wind will blow through your door" ( Bill Ricchini Lyrics)

*" so what was the point of windows vista again? " ( why Apple kicks Microsoft's butt!)

*"red tail lights fade into the distance and I realize that this life is all together very sad" ( unclassified)

*" I'd like to fall in a big bowl of cheese dip, and swim a few laps while I swallow all the warm cheesiness and forget about the ice on my windshield, and the test tomorrow and this lack of focus" ( unclassified)

aside: yes, I do realize that quoting the sugababes is in itself concerning. shut up Tash.

Reminders of You (A List!)

2009-03-24T07:32:00.000-07:00

* Tea. In glossy ceramic cups,on rainy nights when the wind beats loudly against the upstairs window from which I gaze down into a partially flooded parking lot.

* Sade's voice on lazy Sunday afternoons when red koolaid seems fashionable, given the tee stolen from your closet and a pair of jeans I have had, possibly all my life.

*Clean Linen and crisply pressed dress shirts with the tiny ivory buttons I would forget to do if, for some strange reason I was a guy. The kind of guy-i have to add-who wears button down shirts.

*Sierra Mist in a tall glass, all carbonated and sparkly but warm, because somebody neglects to use the refrigerator for no explicable reason.

*Folded towels in obsessively tidy piles, sitting on a white bathroom shelf and citrus flavored Listerine,unopened never used,taking up room on the sink.

*Men in traditional church choirs, complete with the gowns, receding hairlines, round bellies,high cheeks, kind faces and the unbelievable beautiful tenor voices.

*pork chops and well done steak; drowned in a variety of sauces I haven't the time to list; but the aroma of which is invariably memorable.

*good shoes, polished and worn with appropriate outfits.

*Soft sighs-the ones that are supposed to be inaudible except that my heart seemed to hear every little sound yours made.

Spring Break

2009-03-11T19:55:00.000-07:00

There is something amazingly magical about spring break! I couldn't say if it is the very welcome sunny feel of Monday morning when I have no responsibilities, or the incredible sillyness that comes in the same neat package as late night cocktails, after double portions of unforgettable Japanese food, week night Karoake and beer pong with underage fresh men drinking water. I know that this bliss?, is fleeting; but it feels better than December when all the streets are lit and my apartment smells like cinnamon. It is better than summer when school is out and those who tan are laid out semi-nude on the very beaches that we who were born tanned use as reading sanctuaries, with an occasional nap thrown in.
That spring break is only a week makes it more special...because for a week we get to feel, at least I feel, like a normal person. With a normal life, and normal friends who don't study more than they breathe ( I love you Dayton ), I get to do normal things like read the paper, and argue about the suckyness or lack thereof, of a kidrock song- the title of which I don't even remember at this point. Also, I get to type this meandering post, complete with all the run ons and made up words everyone kin to someone who talks too much will instantly recognize, and maybe find dear. There are no essays to write, no scrubs to find, no chapters to finish, no proffesors to see and plenty of couch, and pop tarts(suddenly these are making me happy!), and pedicures. Most of all, there is the silence. When all the funny college kids eventually crash and sleep deep, necessary zzzzs, there is a stillness that brings a certain clarity.
And then suddenly I am more sure what mistakes I dont want to make again, which moments I don't ever want to forget, which experiences I should never regret, and despite the temptation to go through life irresponsibly nursing hangovers, I know more concretely how badly I need to reach for the ultimate goal.
Sometimes, all you need is a little time off.

unadulterated mirth!

2009-03-04T17:18:00.000-08:00

A few years ago when I was in high school, still a teenager, and generally confused about everything including the fact that I was confused-there was one thing very clear to me. This thing was the fact that I couldn't spell words with i and e. I could not spell friend, or recieve or any of that crap with i and e. And my classmates found it strange, that I wrote perfect essays and lost points for spelling things. Before finals they wrote a list and taught me these words, selflessly as if they didn't have bigger fish to fry. They taught me how to spell friend.
And tonight I am delirously happy. The cup runneth over and spills lines of deliciousness all over the place. Yes, lines of deliciousness!! On nights like this when the lines of deliciousness are all over the place I think about you. The friends who taught me how to spell F.R.I.E.N.D. I still struggle with the rest of the ie words, but today I can still spell friend.
no, the heart doesn't forget.

Exhausted

2009-02-22T16:18:00.000-08:00

The weekend was a salad bowl with emergency hair cuts, interviews, and six inch heels,and salsa and curling tongs and soft whispers that bewildered and confused, and yet tickled at the same time. Juicy phone calls, youthful gossip, online midterms, mulitiple loads of laundry, I begged for morning coffee and painted my toes a frightening shade of red.
I'm so very exhausted.
Happy Week.
*Thank You to my very undeserved support system. I will be thanking you still tomorrow and through the years.

We Love To Live

2009-02-14T10:17:00.000-08:00

We don’t love because life is tidy and things are perfect and hearts don’t break. We love despite all these things. We love because life is short and mostly sucks, but there is sometimes a person who makes us happy despite their flaws and our own, who reminds us to breathe, and to smile in the morning, a person who stays up with us when we can’t sleep, who makes boring things like vacuuming fun, a person whose fingers seem to leave traces on our skin of a slight sweet burn. And so ultimately we love to live.
Happy Valentine’s Day Baby.

I'm just saying...

2009-02-09T17:05:00.000-08:00

...that I don't understand the shift of priorities. How the thing(s) we once were devoted to, the focus of our energies, what used to drive us, and what certainly felt like the most important thing in the world slowly or suddenly disintegrates into tiny invisible insignificant pieces lost in the piling of a carpet. Forgotten, we tread upon them, our feet rushing off to find this new dream, unaware of tiny forgotten pieces of yesterday.
I don't understand why I can't remember yesterday's morning coffee serenading me into the day, why I stayed up all night typing admission essays. I don't get at all. Why they bother to be a big deal, if they won't be a big deal for long?
I know it is late, and I shouldn't be up whining online because tomorrow when the stupid alarm makes its stupid noise, it won't matter anymore whether or not I get this life at all. Maybe I will get credit for wondering . Perhaps they will forgive me, these forgotten dreams will overlook the crime when, upon my confusion they gaze. Is everything really just another phase?
Because I have had many of those you know.
From respectable to retarded, I've been the queen of phasing. And I hate to throw all these parts of me away, in hurry to find the latest thing to be. Stability is a big illusion. The only reality is confusion.

(logs off and hides under covers)

'A cold wind will blow through your door' -deliciously haunting song I'm very in love with!! Very.

Time Stands Still

2009-01-24T13:25:00.000-08:00

I would have laughed at the irony if I hadn’t been so afraid, terrified by the sudden possibility of our story ending. I was baking fish sticks when your sister called to tell me what happened. Summer Saturday nights were a treat after radiology rotation; there were lavender scented candles and lovey-dovey playlists, and old denim, and your shirts, and fruity drinks on your star studded patio. The long insanity of the work week seemed to fade away, the depressing feel of wrinkled scrubs, and loud pagers, and mundane paper work all almost forgotten. I had music and finger food, and invariably you; with your goofy house shoes and miserable plants and your guitar. Your apartment terribly masculine, many grays and blacks and steel, and yet on the mantel by the childhood picture you wouldn’t let me see for the longest time, a yellow and green water gun sat waiting. Waiting for you to return, and in one smooth move fill it and possibly piss me off when you wet my hair again. We waited me and the water gun. Until the phone rang, with the explanation for the delay in a shaken voice on the other side. Your Chrysler was totaled by an eighteen wheeler, sending you to ICU. Leaving me with the song you left on repeat, still on repeat. Musicsoulchild’s ‘Don’t Change’, a warm ballad about the permanence you wanted, about stability, and perhaps forever? How could I still believe in forever with everything so fragile and breakable? Now in retrospect I can see that the writing always is on the wall. We have this moment, here and now-but forever, we can only hope for, sometimes through the dark alleys we grope for light, for some chance that maybe dreams will come true; and love will stay alive. That despite all the walls into which we continue to collide somehow we will come out intact, our bruises healed with time, leaving beautiful scars where wounds once were the only marker of the roads we had walked. I sat with you that night and you never once moved, and finally I understood why when you hug me time stands still.

2009-01-17T07:16:00.000-08:00

Hiding under a soft ivory colored comforter she thought back to a cool autumn night, on a second floor balcony. The air smelled funny; a wicked blend of many exhaust fumes and paper factory bi-products. There was a drink in her hand, a grape fanta gone flat and it tasted funny too. Nothing seemed even remotely normal at the time. She had hoped things would change, that she would find her footing, maybe even start to love the change a little. But enough time passing hadn’t changed her initial take on things. Yes, she had grown and found the kind of stability born out of accepting the whirlwind that life is determined to be. She had tried to come to terms with the continued madness, unpredictability, and oh, the utter confusion! Tonight while the past weighed heavily in her heart, the future stood beaconing in her mind. And she lay there quietly, her tiny frame completely swallowed by her covers, watching the shadows of the graduation cap and gown she had picked up that day, dancing on her bedroom wall in the soft yellow candle light.
From the doorway where he stood watching her, the light hit his wings ever so slightly. He knew that if she turned that way and let her heart believe for a minute, she would see him, and she would know he had been there all along. But she did not turn, always sleeping on her side; he heard the soft sigh when she went to sleep. And he smiled. Proud of her, even though he knew angels shouldn’t be proud of these things.

To Allie,because I know that you know.

To The Blog Princess

2009-01-07T11:14:00.000-08:00

and the rest of us, twenty somethings or not-who look fondly upon this season of life.

Today you are twenty, and I am going to get you wasted among other things. When you finally wake up tomorrow (I will be in stat. class nursing a hangover), you might sit really still trying to feel the difference between decades. The teens and twenties are light years apart; your dreams are going to change, along with your wardrobe, sense of self, choice of syrup at the coffee drive through, even the soft traffic hold up expletives you mumble under your breath practicing that patience they say adults have-even those quiet profanities will vary a little. The wonderful thing is, all this happens gradually. A few months, a few years…the duration of this evolution is generally unknown. In it however, great things will happen. Yes, life seems to derive a new dark pleasure in scaring you, with responsibilities, and deadlines and expectations and tough decisions. You will however, counter that with many adventures, unbelievable milestones, stolen elevator kisses, journal entries that will make you smile and cry many, many years later. The gods of the twenties are generally kind gods! All they ask is that you are true to the goddess within (and I know you already know how to do that). In return, you get to unwrap the continuing gift that life is, with all its stellar moments, and cozy winters, grace for every trial, caramel lattes, tequila shots and the magical unfolding of your future. No, I don’t have any answers, and you will not. No one ever does. We just get on the roller coaster and enjoy the ride. You join the fun today and we are glad to have you. Happy Birthday Blog Princess!!!

I Have Found

2008-12-28T19:50:00.000-08:00

Strangely, I have found

That in order to become understanding I have had to be grossly misunderstood.

And that these mundane chores turn into daily pleasures as we continue to do them together.

I have found that the ones who love us the least teach us everything about loving.

And that in a strangers hug hides a brother’s embrace.

I have found that if I hadn’t told, you would have to guess

the words to the song in my soul when you touch my face.

I found a surprising beauty in brokenness,

And In music, the most tender caress.

I have found that online friends are true, judging me not by my size zero jeans,

Allowing me the freedom to error, to misspell all these things.

I have found that letting go is a journey, a process that must be endured;

And forgiveness a gift, the balm by which many bruises are cured.

I have found that we have made memories of many good times,

Pillow fights, Friday nights, and air guitar

I have found that I would like to find the lost years,

but who can turn back time?

Strangely I have found,

that wholeness has more value, after many pieces lie on the floor.

And now,

Another year, another chance, I think we have been given more.

Glasses clink, and I stop to think how wonderful it is to grow.

To a music libary.

2008-12-20T11:07:00.000-08:00

“We were lost in the music, everyone knew it
Truth was in the air tonight” Brandy/Mr. Piano-man lyrics/2008

Because there are inanimate friendships that are inevitable.

Arranged in chronological order, this music is the most reliable story I could tell of life, of the places we have gone, the phases, the hang ups, the horrors, unbelievable milestones; stories of love, of late star lit conversations, long road trips, and the 36 hour flight, a story of dreams deferred sitting sweetly beside the dreams we have found. It’s all in the music, the confusion, tears on the face that wears a smile, the prizes on life’s shelf, the lessons from priceless mistakes, the value of loss, then the songs that downloaded for no reason, apart from the way they made me feel. Isn’t it unfair, that I expect them to understand the journey that only you would? You are the one after all, that has book marked every page we have read, you are the diary that kept itself. And I have you to thank, for this relationship we have formed, because you are as alive to me as the sound of my own breathing; you are the soundtrack to every workout, every afternoon nap, every day, everywhere, all my life. Comforting, not judging, therapeutic; you are silly, and then you are sweet; as if you were my feet you take me many places and then bring me home. He said he heard the smile in my voice on the phone, she said I’m dealing with it nicely, and I told them to thank you music. Yes, thank my music, my songs, my lyrics, the hits and the obscure melodies, the pointless pop songs, warm ballads, energetic bass guitars, the occasional sax…the collective soundtrack to my life.

Skeletons

2008-12-10T07:47:00.000-08:00

That sweet little quote about measuring life not in the number of moments you have, but in those moments that take your breath away has a lot to do with the proverbial skeletons in the closet. Because when measured closely and honestly, a quality life consists of collecting some skeletons along the way, insidious monster remains of magical moments, little secrets that you dare not name, but which invariably cause you to smile to your self many, many years later, after you ride farther down the road of life and see that there is nothing there to make it worth while if you didn’t take a minute to find a skeleton or two. So, live right by all means. But remember to let your hair down sometimes, and those skeletons in your closet, if you collect enough of the right personality, they might just come out and party with you sometimes, you know, when you sit alone waiting for that morning bus wearing that stupid smile on your face that makes everyone at the bus stop think you just got laid.

And he is right, open the closet door sometimes and let them breathe.

Larger Than Life

2008-12-06T07:04:00.000-08:00

"...and that makes you Larger than Life"

I find myself falling in love with you over and over again, for a different reason every time, sometimes for no apparent reason. It might be the rapid-alarming rate at which you consume sticky notes; all the colors on the dashboard, on the kitchen counter, the dresser, the bathroom mirror…why I am amused at your incredible fear of forgetting something? May be it is the surprising peace with which you observe a chaotic world, hormonal teenagers screaming around you, x-box junkies shooting at bizarre 3d creatures, while you sit there unaffected, completely lost in the pages of another dead writer. I love the careless way your tie hangs loose on weekdays after five, and that black and white picture of us you hang at the bottom of the stair case-like a sweet after thought. I love that you download the song I am gushing about before I get the chance to log on, that you remember to add a shot of hazelnut when it is your turn to get the coffee, that you know the difference between mini carnations and everything else. Your hugs are timely and comforting, and it tickles me still to see you fill that water gun with a straight face. And when you stealthily slip a note into the pocket of my jeans, your sentence fragments, anal writing and the occasional smiley face-I know I’m addicted more or less.

Pet Peeves. Vol. 1 (edited version)

2008-12-04T16:27:00.000-08:00

*Those shirts that look like they belong to your baby sister. Belly hanging out is NOT hot. It makes guys think they are going to have to buy you clothes for your first date, and it makes me want to puke. (And it doesn’t matter if you have a flat stomach.)

*They way you can’t talk to me can’t even look at me but effortlessly text me pointless facts about yourself way after midnight, like I care. If we are going to communicate let’s start with a few complete sentences, in decent English, like most normal people do, before we can force me to be your BFF and make me pretend to LOL at the occasional attempt at humor that so often graces your middle of the night incessant text messages.

*Talking to me when I clearly have put these head phones on and maxed out the volume to tune out the universe. When was it that you became a separate entity from the universe? I drown out you clowns for a reason.

*That you continue to confuse introversion with meanness! That you will not stop screwing up my inner energy with the madness that you call socializing. And I am not related to Gregory House either.

*That you are blaming this post on PMS. Why can’t I bitch in peace without being labeled hormonal?

Winter Nights.

2008-11-27T09:29:00.000-08:00

Something about winter nights makes them memorable, something about the way you stood there hands safely tucked away from the cold in the pockets of the gray jacket I love to steal from you when we see late movies. Maybe it is the sad eyes behind those glasses, the smile you managed for my benefit. The way your car stereo has the sound balanced to the rear speakers so that it felt like Natalie Grant was singing from the back seat as we rode under the amber glow of the street lights. I wish you didn't feel the need to be so strong around me, because I hear it when you sigh. And I know that this song still makes you cry, and we don't have to do this; you staring out in to the night blinking away the emotion that tries to fill your eyes and me faking oblivion to the heaviness in your heart, toying with the wooden bracelet on my wrist as though I didn't feel everything you felt. Winter nights are a battle, raging between the biting temperatures outside and the warmth we have inside. Your hot chocolate in my cup, your head on my shoulder, salty tears fall on my lap. There are no words to say, you know I understand in every way. You will not remember the soft feel of this blanket on your skin, or the the jazz play list I left on repeat so that you could sleep. You will remember a comforting release, and that when the battle rages, by fighting together we will win.

"The Promise was when everything fell we'd be held"-Natalie Grant lyric.

A note to Naresh

2008-11-23T15:57:00.000-08:00

12 reasons why you shouldn't have moved to Maryland

1. I can't quite afford John Hopkins tuition, so my tiny university is going to have to suffice.

2.I haven't had curry chicken in sooo long.

3.No one is force feeding me breakfast anymore. I've lost the 3 pounds you had me gain.

4.I don't have anyone to sit and dream with in the coffee shop.

5. I loved it when you washed my hair.

6.Now how else will I find out the cute boys names before the end of the first day of school?

7.Strawberry sundaes don't taste the same when you are not speeding down the street trying to kill me .

8. I'm scared you might get tired of the hysterical voicemail I leave.

9. I really miss your ass.

10. really.

11. It is almost pathetic.

12.Infact it is.

Sense and Insanity

2008-11-19T07:34:00.000-08:00

Isn’t it sad?
The ridiculous effort,
We make
To live…
A life in which
Every day we die a little,
When it gets too much,
We might hide in the contents of a bottle,
Scream at each other,
Fight over things that mean so little,
Hold on to what we will not remember in the end,
Stress about what we save, what we spend
Of sense and insanity we make a funny blend

How Lame!

2008-11-13T12:44:00.000-08:00

Living in a small uninspiring city has a few perks. One of which is the ever available excuse for the lame things to which you might turn for entertainment.
a) Tuesday night Karaoke at Apple Bees:
Karaoke is not lame. It’s a lot of fun actually. What is lame is the average size white dude, probably late thirties. Has hair everywhere except his head. When he gets the microphone he starts to do Fergie. “my lovely lady lumps, check it out” It bothers me that I really enjoy this. But like I said, I am in a small uninspiring city.

b) I googled myself. No really, the little sister googled me after I begged her to so I wouldn’t have to deal with the implications of googling myself.
What did I find? The deans list. How inspiring.

c) Sweet Valley High/University:
I am too old for Wakefield twins, no doubt. So we will not even argue about that. But, the SVH books are only like $5.99 and SVU are $12.99 but they have thriller editions in Target and lets face it, those kids have lives, fictious lives albeit, they don’t sit around and google themselves.

d)No he will not balance the budget:
I have been sucked into one too many political discussions as it is. I was supposed to be in the political grandstand of life, watching unaffected as the drunks do their dance, but somehow I find myself defending causes I know nothing about. How do I explain how I got here, except for the always available excuse?

Aside:
-cherry kool aid sucks.
-I am mad at the world!
-strawberry cheesecake for president.

...

2008-11-05T17:02:00.000-08:00

"I need to know if you were real, because I have been known to get it wrong"
Vertical Horizon-Give You Back Lyrics

Winter days are dark literally. And I have been walking along a road to no where. The signs were posted everywhere, but the trouble is when it is dark you can't read them.
22 and life is so clear and yet so confusing. How can we be so sure when we don't know a thing? Why do we try if all is vanity? We ought to know better than to trust the drama that is humanity, but we do, somehow. Our faith in each other and ourselves doesn't ever completely disappear. And these circles, we run around in them, like kittens chasing their own tails, so cute, but so pointless. Eventually we wear, turn around and look, and there is no body there.
At the end of the day, we are in charge of how we respond to this roller coaster ride.

Tonight, I have the soft silky blackness of my sheets to sink in, to hide from the unanswered questions;a temporary relief from the confusion, but tomorrow I will still have to fight these little wars without ripping away the fabric of my sanity.

And somewhere along the way; I need to know if you were real.

Music Is My Therapy

2008-10-28T12:03:00.000-07:00

The solutions it turns out, to many of my hang ups are all acoustic. A music guru(it is good to have at least one of these in your life) referred me to KT Tunstall; and I am in turn referring you to Drastic Fantastic and Eye to the Telescope, for enough guitar to mellow you out (or turn you on depending), lyrical depth, and sultry melodies appropriate for even the biggest traffic hold up there ever was.

The rest of life is routinely droning on therefore we will not discuss that. KT Tunstall for now, and throw in a bit of T.I, Chris Tomlin and Brandy.

And just so you don't have to wait for a new post on my life's lessons: cheap antivirus software is a big ass waste of time. Get Norton.

Broken Vessel

2008-10-19T15:04:00.000-07:00

There are no words to say.

"You see my beginning, You stand at the end"

Israel Houghton, "Friend lyrics"

Insomnia/Serenity

2008-10-18T02:55:00.000-07:00

4:00am is the earliest I have been pointlessly up on a weekend. The weeks thats gone fit my definition of crazy, and yes, there are ridiculous amounts of works threatening to spill over into the coming week.
Last night we moved the furniture until a little before one, and my OCD kicked in there after such that I was scrubbing the tub and folding laundry instead of going to bed. She is right, I am turning into my mother. Thank you God, that if I am not going to be an original, at least you are letting me be a replica of someone I would like to be.
I am going to need to sleep sometime before the weekend is over, but right now I seem to enjoy the night time quiet. The peace is almost magical, I don't know what it is about sitting here in sweats and bugs bunny socks, his shirt wrapped around me like a hug, Kirk Whalum in heavy rotation...
I am trying not to eat a bag of Dorritos too, and typing this meandering post.

Things haven't been this quiet in a while; so what I am trully grateful for is the insomnia disguising my serenity. And for music, because music is my friend. For how I did not lose my mind last week, and how I will not lose my mind regardless. For fresh linen & a soft comforter for whenever I run out of stay up energy.
And for knowing that having it together all the time is not realistic.

So perhaps, it is time to cut the inner child some slack. And just breathe.

Pathetic. Aagghhh. Lets bake another pie!

2008-10-14T12:32:00.000-07:00

It is pathetic to wake up every morning, look for comfort in a cup of coffee, turn up something rude to wake the little sister up and proceed to steal something decent from her closet.

What is even more pathetic is the way I am spending the greater part of the day trying not to scream this week. Something about being denied fall break when we rightly have earned it( mid term grades and all). Something about cell phone drama, the living room carpet, immunisation, university transfers, bills, dentists, term papers, entrance tests, car service, even expired milk!

But on the upside of things, it's official, I can cook! My days of certified culinary ineptitude are long gone. So my sister and I are responding to this mid semester crisis with fake smiles and good home cooking. If you are in the 'hood, and want to join the eating party, bang on the door baby.

Just beware,

stressed women eating. Occasionally pause and scream at life dramatically before reaching for another mouthful.

A note to God.

2008-10-07T13:05:00.000-07:00

Thank You,

For friendly October sunshine

For the Jazz hook up

For big soft towels

For flip flops with sea shells

For after midnight phone calls

For the occasional perfect score

For a parking spot in the morning

For hats when I can't tame my hair

For knowing why I am crying ,

For keeping me together even when I fall down the stairs

For coffee when I can't wake up

For handling ever so gently,

they that matter the most to me.

Thank you for butter pecan,

and for honey mustard,

For good books that tickle,

mashed potatoes,

ham& turkey sandwiches with the occasional pickle,

and this world full of funny people.

Thank You for unpressed tees,

pillows, and faded jeans,

For friendships that outlast time,

for hearts that continue to love mine,

for arms that stay wrapped around me.

Thank You for the quiet moments,

when I forget about all the projects due,

Close my eyes, and inevitably find you.

Thank You for being unchanging,

and when I am changing, for always understanding.

A note To Josh.

2008-10-01T18:30:00.000-07:00

It took a 3 word message in my inbox to turn the week around form the self centered type A response to midterms I was ready to display, to now a milder, more reasonable look at the things I’ve considered important in the past. We adopted in to each others family a few years ago, during a playful phone call, which I did not know would change the way I perceived the future. I was not in the very least ready for “daddy died Friday”
It is what he said, and how he said it.
And what we said and how we said it , years ago when we did not realize that friends are the family you choose, and when they lose inevitably, you lose.

It’s been a long quiet night, the voices in my head silenced by these songs, most of which are random, and have nothing to do with anything except the way I seem to remember to breathe, to stop wishing and wanting when I hear them. I have to learn to be still, and this is helping. In a few hours the sun will be up, and the world will move on fast, unperturbed. I will be forced to join them, I hate that I can’t be there with you. But I’ll repeat this play list. For good reasons, and silly reasons, and for the only real reason: that it is the only way I can be with you. Lost in the words to a song, embraced by a melody, sometimes it feels like life has not changed at all. Like we are still little, our worlds built around Barbie Dolls, Tom and Jerry and Transformers.
I know you will not read this anytime soon, but when you do; I hope you realize that I was there all the while.

A Play list For Josh: Because this is not goodbye, because I can’t be there, because I am still sad even though I am sure you are going to be okay, because I can’t get used to how life fades away, because I don’t know what else to do, because I feel with you.

1.Think of Me-Mark Schultz
This one speaks for itself.

2.Time After Time-Cyndi Lauper
I don’t know why the words to this song are comforting, but they are.

3.Calling Down An Angel-Plus One
Remember when boy bands were my utopia? This song still argues in their favor.

4.Little Wonders-Rob Thomas
When you turn this one up on long road trips, all the clatter fades out and life sort of seems clear again. Good song for centering.

5.Bye Bye-Mariah Carey
There is a warm collective hug from the universe in this song, even though like most pop songs, you might have to look for it.

6.I am already there-Lone star
This one is about the lyrics. It’s all in the lyrics.

7.Move Along-The All-American Rejects
For the Monday mornings when you don’t want to face another week, but mostly for the Monday mornings of life; because sometimes they last longer than a week.

8.It’s Only Life-Katie Voegele
Weirdly, this goes nicely with Chemistry homework as does the whole album. In the absence of valence electrons for a distraction, here is another good one for centering.

9.Where I stood-Missy Higgins
Sometimes there are no words to say.

10.With You in Mind-Acoustic Alchemy
I added this one, because I made the list ‘with you in mind’

11.GoodMan-India.Arie
“If the sun comes up and I am not home, be strong”

12.I will remember you-Sara McLachlan
When I can’t sing along, I cry along.

13.I’m with You-Avril Lavigne
Because I really am.

Things I have learned from Experience-The Sequel.

2008-09-23T16:16:00.000-07:00

To The Man At the bookstore; All I knew were the tatoos, the rings and studs you had everywhere. Then you died, and I now I wish I had got to know you.
But you forgive me, I know. Just like you forgave the rest of them, that judged you before they knew you. Life is confusing, and to survive it we try to label. To name. and We forget to know, the soul behind the cutural label. I miss you in a weird, knew you but didn't know you kind of way. Most people tell me you were nice. And I nod and tell them you are still nice. You are still here in my head and the tatoos have started to seem kind of cool on you. From where you are, the lessons life is teaching me probably seem like deja vu; if you can see my progress report, would you tell me if I am doing good?

On mornings/How to maintain your sanity:
*keep the keys in the same place every night you will not have to lose your mind looking for them in the morning.

*Avoid Monday Morning commitments, it is already bad enough that it is Monday & morning.

*Try to get at least half awake before you try to get downstairs

*Frosted Flakes already have plenty of sugar!

* Morning is generally a bad time to have wet hair.

On school/college:
*It is sad to think about all the gadgets you could have bought with the tuition money

*Gummy bears and ginger ale are good study buddies

*Tune out the girl with blond highlights and the dude wearing gold cuff links to class.

*You might be sad at graduation ironically

*It sucks but you've got to give it your best shot.

On Love and Relationships:
*The sweetest thing about the tough controlled exteriors is the soft vulnerable interior he carefully layers inside his masculine pride. You don't fully know him until you find it.

*The play lists you make for each other will tell you all the places you've been and you will laugh and cry at the same time one day when you find your self celebrating your anniversary alone drinking coke laced with rum, wearing tweety bird pyjamas and strappy heels.

*A dozen text messages will never take the place of 1 hand written note.

On unwinding/Friday nights:
*You'll never be hangover if you are always designated driver

*bad karaoke is just as memorable as handsome strangers

*there is nothing wrong with an old lady Friday night complete with apple cider, the bee gees and other 70's people.

On God/Faith:
In that corner where you threw Him because life is hectic and there is no time for all the alleluias, He will be there waiting to hold you when it all comes crushing down.

Miscellaneous Lessons
*There is a weird sense of fulfillment, a kind of reward you feel for doing absolutely nothing.

*Small sisters like mirrors, tell you all about it even when you'd rather be in denial.

*Call your mother more often than not.

*Music is your friend,your single most flexible and yet consistent friend, who is always changing but remaining the same in the ways that are important to you.

Things I Would Like To Do With You

2008-09-18T12:40:00.000-07:00

A note to my mother

It has been 3 years and then some. There is a journal my heart keeps,and in it, a list of things I would like to do with you. Things I wonder about, dream about, wish for.

I would like to go with you to a concert. Of someone mellow and well adjusted, composed and yet extremely talented. Some who reminds me of you.
You would have to pick because my sense of direction regarding music is hazy right now. I find myself listening to too many people, too many genres, a bit too much of everything, and somehow I survive it. That probably doesn't surprise you because you used to say I stayed around about as much as I wandered away.

And then I would like us to walk a big mall, me and you and the crowds. I think you might stop and get pretzels from the stand and throw them away when you suddenly realise that they are overly salted. We will find you more Elizabeth Arden, and a pile of shoes. And you will make me get a dramatic even though elegant dress, because you still think I do denim more than I should. Then when it is over and our feet are worn, I want to sit outside on the patio, drinking tea from silly English cups. I want to talk you to death. I want to tell you ridiculous stories, I want to hear you laugh, at me and at life.
I want to watch you put curls in your hair, I want to hear you say your prayers, I want you to tell me again, like you've told me before, that I am never really alone.
I want us to buy green things together, I want you to show me how to stew chicken properly, even though it is apparent that I will never learn. I want you to brush my hair and sigh in frustration while you do because I will not be still.

I also want you to meet grown up me,I want you to know the person I have become, I want you to see some of yourself in me, I want you to be proud. Not so much of me, but mostly of the work you've done, of the parent you've been.

And later on, when many years have gone, I want you to be there when I have my child, I want her to see your eyes and like I did, listen to your heart.
Because only then will she understand the reason why, the list just gets longer as time goes by,
there are still so many things I would like to do with you.

The Noises Within

2008-09-16T16:11:00.000-07:00

I have been trying to find peace and quiet, but while the former seems to show up every now and then, the latter keeps avoiding me. Perhaps because, I turn the music on even before I completely wake, and get out of bed, then proceed to run around with ear phones all day long-apparently blocking out the noise of the world. The reality is that the noises of the world are not the trouble here. The trouble is the noises within. How do I know for sure that I am not running from my inner chaos? How do I know that this severely dependent relationship that has formed between me and the ipod is purely based on an normal, maybe healthy appreciation for Bruce Springsteen & India.Arie?
Evidently, I don't know. I will not know. Until I turn everything down,including that little song player in my head that causes the spontaneous outbursts of Good Charlotte I have been so prone to lately.
Until then, I smile in my sleep, I giggle to myself, turn up to drown out, the noises within.

Play list Notes: Music/Vivian Green
Always In My Head/India.Arie
Brilliant Disguise/Bruce Springsteen

Our Current State Of Affairs

2008-09-11T12:42:00.000-07:00

I was writting a story and it died.

I told my editor and she cried.

Life isn't that serious, but to humor her, I sighed.

"I have been busy, and my soul can't breath" I attempted to explain

But she shook her head, looked at me, in broken hearted disdain,

"I was counting on you" she hissed

I and realized that she missed

the memo that said, " don't count on it"

and thats not to say that I am pleased,

with my evident lack of literary finese

But you see, I am good at other things,

like when we need dinner, I quickly order chinese

Also, If you wanted a poem that doesn't suck,

You are so shit out of luck.

"A Relatively Simple Procedure"

2008-09-02T18:35:00.000-07:00

Downtown Chicago Apartment/September 24 2007

HIM:

I woke up shortly after 5 the next morning, in a fog from all the drugs, the strange dreams and the pain. Outside I could hear the rain making splashes on my window, the downtown early traffic already building up to a steady chorus of blaring horns, emergency vehicle sirens and screeching tires. I wondered if had my life been any different, would I be out there in the rat race with the rest of them, they who know not the difference between night and day? Because they work all day, and then at night they play. I also wondered if I should get up and try to get presentable. I had had to get my sutures re-done the day before in what was supposed to have been a ‘relatively simple procedure’. As it turned out Dave had to leave work and bring me home; nauseous, heavily drugged and mad at the world. As I fought the morning confusion laying there in the dark, in the same clothes I wore to the hospital the previous day, I wondered why I felt like she had been around. I’d started to think about her less over the last few years, not out of choice. Mostly out of an effort to self preserve. Because all the thinking I had been doing was slowly killing me, just not fast enough to spare me another round of chemotherapy, radiation therapy and the occasional card from a person in the office that said ‘get well soon’ as if the whole thing was an ironic joke to freaking cheer me up. “Get well soon”-how sensitive, that choice of words. I started to loosen the one button that had remained when I realized that this was the shirt she had given me when I turned 23. Not that it still mattered, but for some reason I did not take it off. I slept again around seven, I blocked out the rain and the thought traffic in my brain and I dreamed. Of her. Again.

1.Simple And Sweet

2008-08-28T17:05:00.000-07:00

Downtown Chicago Apartment/ September 23 2007/16:23hrs

Blood seeped slowly through the beige polo I remember giving him on a birthday years ago. Years ago, when we did not know the difference between one day, and the next because they were all the same. They were not routine, not predictable and by all means not redundant. We always had plenty going on between my affair with the school literary magazine and his with basketball. He was always the fair one. Somehow he made it okay that I missed a game, did not show to a tournament or forgot about a get together with the team. Engrossed as I was with my life, and my dreams he found a way somehow to make it okay. While I, on the other hand, handed him pages of my work to read, and waited not so patiently for feedback. I asked him to proof read nearly everything I wrote, pressured him to meet my deadlines and pouted when he said he had practice. “I will read that first thing when I get back in” he would try to placate me. Funny enough, he did. I remember him sitting at the desk in his shorts, towel draped around his sweaty shoulders pouring, devotedly over something I had written. I thought about all these things as I stood there, in his poorly air conditioned room, watching him breathe uneasily. The pain medication knocked him out before I said any of the things I had come to say, so I stood there watching him. And remembering how simple and sweet life used to be, how for the longest time simple and sweet is all we ever knew.

Tickles and Giggles

2008-08-19T18:08:00.000-07:00

It is more than slightly annoying that face book will not let me log on tonight, just when I'm in the mood to poke, throw sheep, stalk people and add pointless applications to my profile.
Not to mention, my sister took a picture of me this weekend that has got all the characteristics of a dynamite profile picture....'nuf said.

Speaking of sister, I have all the intention of getting her to blog, hoping maybe to figure out exactly how her little amazing brain perceives some of the things she writes about, however I am afraid that she might name her blog something along the the lines of 'The Unbelievable Horrors Of Sharing a Town Apartment with a compulsive, psychotic, late-night, grumpy in the morning, overactive, sings entire albums in the shower, bad cook, control freak'
Obviously we do not want the content of that to be published, so this project is still debatable.

My new major has all the early symptoms of a potential stressor, but I will not buy the hype. Yet. I have too many lab classes, but a rather friendly work schedule. I'm back to denim and sweats to class; will not particularly miss scrubs. I am toying with the idea of student government. And the literary Magazine. And signing up for line dance class.

I need new music. Whats the soundtrack for the 4am phone calls, the long conversations over cappuccinos gone cold and emergency late nights to finish unread chapters?

She eats pringles in the middle of the night, walks around the closet for ages trying to decide what to wear, she laughs like a child but thinks like she's walked the earth a couple of centuries.In 3 years I hadn't seen her, and now she is here for college, running around my apartment in my t-shirt saying 'you are such a stupid cow, you goat'
She is the reason for all the tickles and giggles.

Playlist Notes: ColdPlay: Viva La Vida-entire album in heavy rotation.

On life and her complexities

2008-08-14T13:03:00.000-07:00

It dawns on me again tonight, how cold and lonely life is, how alone we really are in a world full of billions of people. How no matter how hard you try, somehow you will never help people fully understand you, and your story at all. Yet, if you do not try, if you sit in a corner, shut off from all the strangers seemingly in your life-then you'll never know the instantenous even though momentary magic-the spark, the gift, albeit the tease from the universe, the wordless noise of of two souls when they collide in passing agreement; before schedules dictate, traffic lights turn green, phones ring and life goes on, cold and lonely as if somehow our destiny is such.
We go on still, to love life very much.

Playlist Notes: Lilac Lane/Acoustic Alchemy

"The Drum Beat Sound of Time"

2008-07-24T10:04:00.000-07:00

On Friday July 18th I was up before 5 even though I didn't have anywhere to be until 9am to practice for graduation. So I went out to the track to 'clear my mind'-to no avail. 3 miles and a bottle of water later I realised that life is funny. We spend so much time wishing and waiting and when we finally get what we want, we don't even know how to feel about it anymore.

So in response to my varied emotions, I resorted to White Zinfadel and a high Calorie lifestyle.

All cake, alcohol&graduation money aside, I am thankful.

For all these years of grace.

For my weird, but effective support system

For getting out alive

For the things that keep me going

For new begginings

For not tripping during graduation( a high risk you run if you have the buzz that I did)

And for having no homework for a while.

Call Me If You Have Something Great to do, because I'm sitting around eating, painting my toes and hiking the phone bill.

And it feels so durn good:)

Playlistnotes: Cyndi Lauper-Time After Time

"I've got a pocketful of sunshine!"

2008-07-23T17:50:00.000-07:00

A 5:20am love note.

Strangely, I woke up with this song playing in my head even though I do not particularly care about it. The trouble with my alarm clock is that he does not seem to realize that there is nothing on my schedule that requires the 5am circus he wants to set up. I want to lay here and dream. About the black and white picture I saw in target. And the bowl of fruit I am going to put on the kitchen table. About going through your play lists and falling in love with you again and again. I want to shampoo the carpet and take the covers to the cleaners, change the drapes and find a rug that’s not quite so depressing. I am going out with the girls tonight to catch up on our lives, even though mine has no news outside of graduation. And then I am going to bring you lunch tomorrow at work, ham turkey and maybe Sierra Mist. If it doesn’t rain, I will detail your car but if it does, I will crawl under that cozy lavender throw and finish the Helen Fielding I’ve been meaning to for a long time now. Last night I found out that I am still pretty good on the floor even though I suck at bowling, so maybe we will go out this weekend. I want to dream about how light and easy things feel right now; because suddenly I have time to do things that normal people do. I am almost afraid to embrace the late mornings and slow afternoons, obscenely late nights because I am still talking to you. I waited so long. And you waited with me. I am up so early writing a thank you note, I know you think I forgot, but my heart will not. You were there when common sense suggested ‘avoid the crazy stressed woman’ I’ll see you at breakfast; I am going out to run. Caramel Macchiato with anything but eggs. Yes, it is your turn.
Until then thank you. For consistently being so ridiculous I have to laugh everyday. You keep me going. xoxo

Play list Notes: Natasha Beddingfield/Pocketful of Sunshine

2008-07-09T16:38:00.000-07:00

Walking unfamiliar ground,
I think I fell off life's merry go round
I wanted to make you proud,
Sometimes I feared I dreamed out loud
Went too fast, tried too hard
But whats living, if all I did was hide?
where's the thin line between healthy ambition and pride?
Tomorrow when I look at yesterday,
Will I wonder if you cried,
Silently watching as I broke my own heart?
I am walking unfamiliar ground
Broken,
I wish You were still around.
All I wanted was to make you proud.

Play list notes: Yesterday-Leona Lewis

Footprints in The Sand!

2008-07-07T17:28:00.000-07:00

Evidently it takes only one Monday, one am shift to completely undo the effects of a 3 day weekend. Everyone was in a 'bad' state this afternoon and class as it turned out was a loony bin.

This week is our last clinical rotation,unbelievable, surreal even. The depressing tan colored paint in the processing area seems to take on a more friendly hue when you know you will not have to see it everyday all day in just a little while.

Unnervingly though, it all comes down to these final two weeks. Although unlikely, there is always the possibility that you can screw up all the hard work behind you in a day or two, which takes away from the delight of it all being almost over.

I have not written the speech either. I'm a little intimidated by the idea actually because I typically have nothing to say when I have a deadline to meet. (Naresh-help?? you are the queen of grad. speeches)

So while I am looking forward to tossing the grad cap up, waking up 3 hours later than I do now, reading the paper over coffee in pyjamas, Monday morning pedicures and Wednesday afternoon naps, I also remember how much more there is to go. We are so close, but so faraway.

On that note, Leona Lewis' Spirit has a very unlikely surprise in the song "Footprints in The Sand"

Because I signed up for contemporary pop when I got the album. And Then I heard footprints in the sand* and the ratings went higher than they already were.

And so I effortlessly found the first song in-might be the only song on the Graduation play list.

Play list Notes: You already Know

*Prettylyf: that song will make you feel better:)

2008-07-01T14:55:00.000-07:00

"Head under water, and they tell me to breathe easy for a while"

Stayed up late and woke too early. Watched through my blinds another July start to unfold. I called out 10 times all in my head and finally grabbed my stuff and went to ER.
I want to breeze through the last of this. Sort of unconsciously. But life will not let me. I am acutely aware, of the wrinkles in my scrub shirt awkwardly contrasting the military creases I ironed into the pants while I watched Troy again on Friday night.
I know I've been making bad dietary decisions, strawberry&creme frappucino with lemon pound cake for dinner would send my mother into a frenzy.
and may be I shouldn't have told that respiratory therapy intern she was fat...but she asked?!! I'm not her boyfriend, I am not under the man law that says no 'honey, you are hot'
Also, I should probably switch from Finger 11 to something more mellow for a while.
Because calm seems to have disappeared, to have walked out the door a couple of weeks ago, and in it's place, I have created a monster. A bizarre, irritable, blunt, cake eating, heavy metal playing, can't sleep at night monster.

Also, I am looking for a black bistro sized table for my kitchen,and it looks like no one knows how to make those anymore. My irritation with that is not mild.

But then when you put the ear phones on and press play and Sara Bareilles starts to say 'head under water, and they tell me to breathe easy'
I start to smile.
And then giggle a little.
and sigh a big happy sigh.
Music always makes it better...I'm not sure why.

The thing about life is when you really want to be disconnected and out of it, when you think you are too tired to care, or face your own emotions honestly,
that's when nature will not let you zone out on the truth.
And the truth is, life is beautiful even when it sucks.
Oh it hurts soo damn good.

Play list Notes:'love song'-Sara Bareilles and 'stop&stare'-One Republic
plus the mosnter song..."paralyzer"-finger 11

Goodnight to my Starbucks buddy!! You know how it is!

Note To self: Therapy Options

2008-06-16T15:23:00.000-07:00

How To Hang in There Until Rad. School Graduation:

*Tub of icecream after midnight (No one sees you, calories don't count)

*Clean like a true Obssesive Compulsive

*Make a sad playlist and sing, no, cry along

*Buy sexy underwear

*Rent Nip/Tuck (This is the only show with people more messed up than you are, therefore you will feel better in comparison)

*Call Mom

*Put rum in the coke at lunch

*Get on highway and drive to no where.

*Work Out

*Knot all his ties

*Bake cookies

*Give yourself a pep talk in the hospital lobby every morning

*Tune out all the other interns and students (they're all whinny and overwhelmed=bad energy)

*write a graduation gift wish list

*Ignore all friendly advice to see a therapist. It will be over before you know it.

*Playlist Notes: India.Arie-all 3 Albums in Heavy Rotation.

Things I've Learned From Experience

2008-06-09T16:00:00.000-07:00

For Scotchbiscuits, yes, for me. I am after all, the one whose had to learn all this stuff. Y'all just get to read about it. For Free.

On Life in General:
-Every phase is for a reason. Embrace your weirdness.

-When you leave the shower, don't step on the soap.

-It's okay to have bad hair. (but not all the time)

-Walk in the rain every now and then.

-Growing up seems like a series of disappointments,but there are perks thrown in, you know, staying out late, all these shoes and hot guys...

-There are certain people called constants,the ones who stand by you unconditionally. You never, ever compromise when it comes to constants.

-If you are already late, take your time, eat a big breakfast. Might as well.

On Electronics and 'Gadgets':
-More memory far outweighs processor speed, as unreasonable as it sounds when you first hear it.

-If you want it, get it. Life is short, and there'll always be bills to pay.

On Love and Relationships:
-Be careful not to measure your relationship by the yardstick of r&b lyrics. They are just lyrics.

-You can't be mad at someone for not meeting your expectations. They are your expectations, they exist only in your head.

-Kiss slowly, with eyes closed. It's not for the movies, this magic is for real people.

On Living in The United States:
-The proverbial grass is not greener. It's just green.

-You've got to want it so badly if you are going to get anywhere close to it. Life doesn't just happen.

-Driving on the right side isn't so weird after all.

On College/School:
-The things you will remember most likely will not be academic

-Be the silent listener to bathroom conversations. This is a bizarre, but very relevant way to get an education.

-GPA matters, don't listen to rich white kids settling for C's

On Friendship and Friday Nights:
-Cut your friends plenty of slack. They too have to put up with your eccentricities everyday.

-Keep the bad photos. The make good future belly laughs.

-drunk people are fun to dance with.

-Make a toast to yourself every now and then, remember to look how far you've come.

On God and Spirituality:
-'give the heavens above more than just a passing glance'-country lyric

-Life is so distracting, sometimes God has had to shout at me to hear Him. Keep Life's Volume turned low or you just miss the divine whisper.

-Believing whatever makes you happy, doesn't change the truth.

On A Mother's Hug:
-Yummy. Priceless. Rare. Not to be taken for granted.

On Being True To Yourself:
-If you cry in the rain, the universe shares your pain. So go ahead.

-Sleep with that teddy bear you've had all your life if you need to. Close the door, no one will know. That bear knows how it is.

-"F*** school today, I'm not going", is a perfectly normal morning sentiment.

On Life in general. Again:
Living is so freaking hard, but it's so freaking good to be alive!!

This Post will be continued, I have to run to Starbucks before the dude who gives me an extra shot of Hazelnut for free gets off. Yes, I've also learned from experience that you should get your free hazelnut while you can.

Playlist Notes: 4 minutes,Madonna With Timbaland&Timberlake

To LadyLilac...I Hope You Dance.

2008-05-28T18:27:00.000-07:00

There is a sweatshirt in my closet, that hasn't been washed in 3 years. It still smells of her, flowery but in a subtle way, the kind of scent that reminds me of nightime Jasmine bodywash, back when I still cared what time of the day I used which shower gel. This sweatshirt is pink and grey and getting too short for my arms now, but she gave it to me when she said goodbye, and said to wear it when I need a hug. And so I do. Every time. And when I close my eyes and wish hard enough, sometimes I almost, almost feel her.

Sometimes in the kitchen I pretend. Faking culinary expertise, I bake cookies and cakes, make veggie rice that doesn't stick to the pan or get soft and mushy, good pot roast and curry chicken as if for one glorious day she is here, and we are cooking together. She cooks,I mostly run my mouth, keeping her entertained while I wait to clean after because I know my forte, and it is not cooking. I hear her tell me it's not that complicated. I hear her laugh and tell me I'm nuts in her patronizing 'can't believe you said that but I enjoyed it' way. She is so young and yet so old within. Her small hands set the table so gracefully as if she used to be a princess in a disney story and then she disappears to take a shower, watch the pot roast, don't let it burn.

Two hours later, the food we made is ready, and no one is here. Sometimes I forget I was imagining. And now I have to put that sweat shirt on and get my hug as I walk down the block to Sears Manor, the only nursing home in downtown Brunswick. I am taking this food to my stranger-friend Willy because he might want the change from the nursing home food, And also because she was here when I made it, there is alot of love where this food came from.
And because he knows how it is, when all you can do is imagine.

Playlist notes: When You're Gone,Avril Lavigne
I hope you dance, Lee Ann Womack. ( heavy rotation)

The Finger Of God

2008-05-25T18:59:00.000-07:00

They talk us down, those suburb dwellers with their 3 storey homes and white picket fences. Living in the crowded city, with rush hour traffic, mall crowds and fast food smells around every block is not ideal. And we are all here for a reason. The artist trying to find his niche, college student trying to graduate,single mom managing double shifts and the homeless man who will find a spot at the shelter this evening before the sun goes down. We all hurry, we rush to our different destinations always. But today I stopped and saw, standing out on my apartment balcony, the colors that dazzle my busy mind, across the now glowing inner city street lights, billions of car tail lights stuck in the evening traffic. The setting sun splurged her colors on the horizon. I don't know if you saw, you suburb living folk, hidden inside your mansions by the lake, I don't know if you saw the amazing finger of God. But He was here.

And I know He walks with us on these busy streets, this uphill path of life.

play list notes: Stop&Stare-One Republic

A Song For Mama

2008-05-19T16:12:00.000-07:00

"So now I see through your eyes, all that you did was love" -Spice girls Lyric

On weeknights after ten she turned out her small kerosene lamp, and put her paper away. When she closed the drug store and started to head home, she didn't know the Triad sat up waiting, subconsciously worrying about her. They always did, even as they ate popcorn and watched TV, sprawled out all over the living room like most normal kids do. Yet their hearts waited. Every night they waited to hear her come in. Without knowing they breathed that collective sigh of relief, silently every time because they knew she walked out side in the dark, every night coming home to them. Because that's what love does. And she loved them madly, her crazy triad. She did everything in the world to give them anything in the world.
And as the years went by, and they got caught in life's impossible race, she stood by and waved. And she prayed.
Somehow all the truth she showed them stayed. Engraved, unforgettable, prompting the occasional realisation that sometimes when you look in the mirror you will see your mother.
Now when she sits and reads the notes that come in the mail, sounding brave and nonchalant, they wonder can she tell? Can she tell the hand the wrote them also wipes the tears for the years that go by, for the memories of the sound of her footfall at the front door all those many late nights, many years ago?

Playlist Notes: Boyz II Men, A Song For Mama

"I have more to say, but I feel like I'm disappearing"

2008-05-06T16:21:00.000-07:00

Tonight we were going to go out to Longhorn, then to Iguanas and then perhaps take it all back to the 'hizzi', because we, we know we have just this one week out,before we crawl back into the our scrubs,grab our heavy book bags and try to smile as we go along. But we didn't.
Because one half of the crowd wants to lay in and sleep, then the other half got scheduled to work, and me, I had to go get some TLC. Because life, life is tiresome thing. It's not like the messy floor you get to pick everything off of, vacuum, then polish and sit back and watch it gleam. We are somehow denied the moments where we smile at we just did, nod in approval and say 'wow'. Because it really never stops. And just when you think it did, when the waves calm for a minute, its only so you can nurse the battle wounds, and get back on the front line.

They don't teach you how to live in college. They don't tell you how to deal when you feel you've given everything inside of you, and still somehow that doesn't fill the cup to the brim. They don't teach you how to look inside and magically find some more to give. They don't tell you what to do when there's nothing that can be done. (In the OR we close up and send you home-to die) . ( They don't teach you how to close the door, how to be gentle when everything inside of you wants to slam and walk away. Angry and frustrated, they don't teach you how to not take it to the highway, floor the pedal and how to not be mad at the world.

I guess that's the part they let you figure out, how to have hope, how to pull it together when it is in a million little pieces, how to believe that in the face of overwhelming evidence to the contrary, you will be okay.

So in the end we all walk around, little scared people in adult bodies, easy smiles and happy faces, where sorrow dare not show any traces, dreaming of places we can find answers, and healing embraces.

"I have more to say, but I feel like I am disappearing"-Meredith Grey
I'm glad I opted to stay in tonight, because someone rented more Greys Anatomy for me, so I'm off to couch with the tub of butter pecan.
Goodnight.

Play list Notes: Missy Higgins. The whole darn album, if you know whats good for you. But put 'where I stood' on repeat for a while.

Cradle your Head in your Hands...

2008-04-24T17:39:00.000-07:00

...and Just Breathe

Three years ago when I started college I had goals. Colorful, brilliant goals such as but not limited to
a) To NOT eat excessive amounts of Toblerone. ("excessive" to be later defined)
b)To NOT date a "loser".(" Loser" also to be later defined)
c) Do not undo the 'identity' we wasted a lot of teenage years having a crisis, or crises about. (You see why bother with the teenage drama of trying to figure out who in the world you are-or are not, just so you can get to college and decide that you don't like it, so now lets start over...pointless, don't you agree?)
d) Get the degree of course, among other things.

3 years,4 migraines and 16,000 cups of espresso later, this is a report on how we are doing:
AAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

Also, I can't tell whether I am laughing or crying most of the time. Maybe because if you speak to gummy bears before you eat them, it messes with your ability to separate different emotional expressions.

And We are Published!! I mean me and the other more reasonable me who wrote the poems that got published in this years SeasWells. Yippee!!!!

Discovered that Leona Lewis on repeat is a fantastic way to wash and detail a car without thinking about it, mostly because you are probably consumed by weird mental imagery involving multiple body mutilations..bleeding love! (beautiful pop song by the way!!!)

A certain wonderful someone brought a single long stem rose to me at work today. :) and :) again. Just when you swear that you cant stand cliches, you find that in fact they are the sweetest little surprises when life gets so old and annoyingly blah...

Jekyll Island this weekend with all my books and a beach towel with the potential to double as a blanket when I fall asleep in absolute mental despair.

I'll see you soon. Maybe.

Happy Birthday David and Nicole.

Playlist Notes: Breathe (2am)-Anna Nalick.

Matchbox Twenty!

2008-04-13T19:43:00.000-07:00

The thing about big dreams is that when they fall apart, you have a million little pieces lying on the floor, and no where to start getting any, or some of it back together again. But people say, think big, and chase your dreams. and all that. I think you should listen to them, but try to remember what I said. The higher up you climb, the longer your suicide fall is.
I've been busy all weekend, kind of felt like an extension of last week only in even poorer taste, because somewhere inside of my stressed out, caffeinated self, there is a bubbly little girl with funny hair and missing front teeth, a naked barbie doll and a heart of gold. And that little girl wants to play.
That's just too bad for her. Because it is 11:55. I'm beat. and Tomorrow is Monday, and I think I have two freaking tests even though I've only studied for one.
Fade Away? why not?

Play list Notes: Fade Away-Mary J. Blige.
and ALL the Matchbox Twenty songs in the world.

gravy,potatoes,degrees. all the above.

2008-04-08T17:02:00.000-07:00

So I finally gave in to the long ignored need to separate my pictures from my yadayada. I guess that probably confirms the theory my classmates have been testing in a couple of ways-Yes, I am compulsive. I keep the gravy separate from the mashed potatoes.
So in keeping with the compulsive spirit, feel free to go my gallery, if you ever start to miss my imaging finesse.:)

I had lunch with a Nursing major I shared a microbiology class with in the fall of 2005, and he said he is graduating next month. (Congratulations...and all that) Now I'm thinking this is taking too long. It is long and weird..so weird it makes meatballs with veggies, and strawberry flavoured milk seem like a normal lunch.
Anyway, we returned our trays, and parted ways. Maybe that's the last memory I will have of him, sitting across from me in a crowded cafeteria trying to contain his excitement on a new career, maybe we will run into each other again-it's a small world you know.
But the important thing is it is weird how you will randomly eat lunch with someone who makes you wonder about your life. Your choices. The things you allow to control your schedule, for sometimes many many years. Is the other me laughing from somewhere in the parallel universe, telling me I could have gone to SCAD, had my digital photography and Interior design degrees by now and have a real-as opposed to online gallery?
Maybe.
But then there are the days when I dream about radio Isotopes and how magical things are in the world of radiation....

No I can't afford to pay for bi-weekly therapy.

Play list notes:Shuffle,let your i-pod surprise you. Life is random after all.

Blah. Blah. and Blah.

2008-04-02T18:17:00.000-07:00

I was having the perfect(even though hectic) semester, with no really alarming issues. And then today, I started to self-destruct. It is an intrinsic function I can not help. Things will be ticking along just fine, life will be relatively okay(whatever that is), and then I will find that that is the perfect time to go and screw it all up.
Needless to say(even though I am saying it) I have to do some damage control in the subsequent weeks.

Ray called me just to make me laugh. That's how to define priceless friends. The ones who sit in outside your jail cell after you are locked up for DUI and try to treat your hangover with Tylenol and PeptoBismol. (do they even let people in with meds for inmates?-anyway you get the point. He made me laugh and I felt better)

Today I looked through old pictures of me that some of my friends keep. Pictures I would have deleted if they had been on my memory card for various reasons, like -drunken, high, nose looks preposterous, I look pooped, I look old, have no butt...you know...there are days when my photogenic gene tries to act non existent.
anyway, those pictures are hilarious in retrospect. and,No I will not post them to share the big joke as clearly that would be way too much information.
So the moral of the story is, don't delete bad pictures of you. They will tickle you one day.
and then you will and thank God for growing up,and for how wonderful you look now.

Play list Notes:It's only Life-Katie Voegele
oh, and Ciara's Get Up. ( it's good to dance a little!)

Real Life

2008-03-26T18:03:00.000-07:00

Somewhere between age 3 and now, life lost it's dreamy side and I found the sign along the way that said 'welcome to real life'. Welcome to working late nights and early morning classes.

Hitting the snooze button and waking up to find that it is 9am. (You are now officially absent.)
It is the low energy that even a caffeine overdose will not fix, trying to emergency study but this headache will not go away. Sitting on the couch with my notes, in the hope that I will have read them when I get up, and realising two hours later, that I have not and the test is in an hour.
Instead I've been re-watching the wedding planner and somewhat identifying with Mary. Because that's how real life is. We fall in love with people who fall in love with someone else. We try to study for important exams and fail to focus for long enough. We set our alarm and still don't get up on time, we curl up and try to hide in a chick flick every once in a while. Sit in hospital parking lots and sing along to' fade away'.

It is not neat and tidy. Real life is far from perfect. But real life also is making 95 on the exam I couldn't study for because I was watching a chick flick,because that is what my brain wanted to do. Real life is filled good(even though pointless) surprises. Real life is shopping for swim suits when you don't swim because there is no such thing as too much summer reading by the pool.
Real life is yelling at the person you love because you have had a crappy day, and then finding the note that says 'I love you even when you are grumpy'

Real Life sucks, Real life rocks. Real life drives me completely nuts, Real life makes me smile.
And even though I wanted to fade away most of the day, Ultimately I know, we are going to be okay.

undefined.

2008-03-13T17:07:00.000-07:00

The only thing I particularly like about Thursdays is that they come right before Friday(which are typically good days)-So Thursday is like a the wrapping of a Toblerone bar, the prelude to a good story, even though I am going to be very swammped this weekend typing pointless Cardiovascular notes because they seem to be in another language alltogether.

I am going to carry my enclyclopedia of a folder to St. Simons on Sunday though to see how much I can get done hanging out by the pier smoking a cuban cigar-make that eating waffle icecream cones.

Happy Birthday Sara. I know, I know. Life can be a bitch. But you are a wonderful person-and I am not just saying. You really are. So have a maxed out, no regrets type of birthday.
Tonight I am not staying up because these late nights take their toll, and I think I've already created a monster. But I'll be seeing you. In the morning, On the track when I go running,In the night when I'm out partying, In the lab when I am working...our friendship is forever, and I'll be seeing you.

This is what music does.

2008-02-28T11:58:00.000-08:00

And then another February softly slid by, and left me sitting on my bed with a box of Kleenex and a glass of juice. Because I caught something weird and this fever will not go away.
I've been looking through old play lists. From different phases of my life. And I found this commissioned song. 'charge it to my head'
It is still so about you. And how you completely 'get me'. How we sat sharing ear phones, you with the left, and me with the right, completely drowning out the rest of the world. Lost in the songs we loved to indefinite depths.
and how you shot me with your stupid water gun when my shift ended every Thursday afternoon. And how we argued pointlessly about things we both now do not remember, because you loved to argue, and I loved to see how serious you got about unimportant things. On and on my mind travelled with this song, back to the fall morning when you brought me coffee in the parking lot. When you forgot your schedule and I forgot that I was supposed to see the dentist. When you tried to teach me how to play guitar, and I scared the cat.
How you strapped the seat belt across my shoulders while I giggled and told crazy stories, drove me home no questions asked-even though I know you wondered why I had had one too many. On and On you continued to tolerate.
To stay up helping me memorise respiratory pathology.
And to sing along to my India.Arie renditions, pyjama clad with blow dryer in hand-you still did my back up vocals.
All these memories. One wonderful song. and One wonderful You.
If ever I forget to say I love you. Charge it to my Head and not my heart.

Tagged for 6 things.

2008-02-19T15:32:00.000-08:00

If you do not like this post for some reason you may blame it all on prettylyf

The Rules:

-Link to the person that tagged you.

- Post the rules on your blog.

- Share six non-important things/habits/quirks about yourself.

- Tag six random people at the end of your post by linking to their blogs.

- Let each random person know they have been tagged by leaving a comment on their website

1. Shopping for underwear is very good stress relief. minimal lace. absolutely no underwire.

2. Most confrontational conversations go on in the privacy of my head. (diplomacy is inherited)

3. I wear lavender eyeliner for sentimental reasons.

4. drove to school this morning with a teaspoon in my right hand hoping I'd find a red traffic light so I could eat my yoghurt. (didn't happen)

5. Eat honey mustard with everything, on anything.

6. I am thinking about moving to Sydney for Internship.

Breaking atleast one of the rules as usual, Iam tagging (without linking) Darlkom, Nahjaj, Nate, Antipop, Ishta, and the 27th comrade.

Symptoms of a good Weekend

2008-02-11T16:45:00.000-08:00

This one is for Ishta, for Prettylyf and all my girls. Because you know how the little things, the perfect pair of inexpensive heels will take your world and change it into the giagantic red carpet, that no one sees, but which you feel deep within!

Friday: Before Magarita

Friday: After Magarita
Sartuday Night:

It is not 'if' feet could talk. They do talk. And there is no limit to the possibilities of what we would hear and learn if we listened to what they say.

Fog

2008-02-04T18:29:00.000-08:00

This morning was foggy. The kind of foggy that makes you wonder if there is something or someone ahead of you, and if you will run into them. When you run into them will be they be nice and funny, (maybe handsome and gallant) or will they be a mean old piece of crap that will go on and on about something that was clearly unintentional.
Sort of like life.
We get out and venture into a world whose dimensions are not very clear, we never know for sure how things will go. So foggy is life's forecast, we turn to controlling the few things we have the ability to, and hope that as move along our vision obscured by the heavy fog-we hope that suprises we find will be pleasant.
A few years ago when I had just begun to post on Blogger, I run into Iwaya, also Mataachi. My fog led me to nice and funny, handsome&gallant and most of all to world class literary finese.
Only recently, his fog led him to other places.
To say that I do not feel a sudden almost irrational loss would be decietful.
All the same, I know all about fog. Fog will lead you to happy places sometimes. Sometimes to places that make you whole. Sometimes all it does is take you away from everything that has been holding your back from reaching your greatest heights, from laughing your biggest belly laugh, for dancing your smoothest move, biting the yummiest cookie.

And so this tribute is to Iwaya, for being so mad and crazy we couldn't help but love you. Hopefully your fog leads you to all the places you are trying to go.

And to all the people whose hearts broke when he said goodbye. I absolutely Identify.

This is a hair preservation effort.

2008-01-24T18:08:00.000-08:00

Someone threatened to pull her hair out if I didn't post anything soon.
I would have been here more frequently if...you know what? I am not sure how that was supposed to go.
The bottom line is I started to blog allover my class books, and on the kitchen counter, and on sticky notes hanging all over my desk, and on my dresser mirror-in eyeliner, and just about anywhere I happen to be. I just didn't come around to putting all that up here-and you might be thankful that I didn't.
Life with her twists and turns has been beautiful even though hard to define. I've had a couple of surprises, going to be a god mother!(insert tap dance for joy) and I found out that someone added Chris Brown's 'with you' to his scotchie play list. (the things that make you go 'hmmm...')
and my ankle is not broken, or dislocated. False alarm. (mental note to wear cross trainers to body conditioning)
Testing tomorrow on Urography(ewww) and then renting nip/tuck( down&dirty I know) so I have some kind of distraction while I take my braids out. ( yeah-say a prayer)
I met some one in the library this evening who I must have been in my other life. Honest. She is such reflection of my spirit all the way from the mild OCD, to the photomania, the poetry and mashed potatoes. We are going to find teal wall paper together this weekend. And maybe we will finish the pointless argument about the possibilities of over- the-counter drug fatal interactions. (Seriously, how many more Heath Ledgers do we have to lose before we agree about all this?)
I am supposed to be reviewing a bunch of yada yada before the test tomorrow-
so there,
please don't pull out your hair.
It gets so hard not be a stranger, I hate for you to be bold when we go to St. Simon's Island(this summer?)
The whole point is having the wind blow your hair. Well-not really the whole point but you get the picture!

I'll see you soon. xoxo.

...another page from my diary.

2008-01-09T18:09:00.000-08:00

Today I over drew my suntrust account when I went to fill up my tank. So I am pissed. Mildly at the fine I have to pay for doing that, but mostly at my self being being so distracted, so inattentive, so unaware of my current state of poverty. (insert bail phone call to daddy in my most cutest little girl voice)
They say college days are memorable, and I agree.
Between 15.5 credit hours, random moments of complete insanity, Friday night house parties, high professors, the endless term papers, handsome boys with questionable mental stability and the somewhat inevitable broke spell, I am pretty sure I will have memories when it is over. Now how much I will like these memories is still under debate..but for now lets say, the experience is a little funny so it is raw material for 'good' things to look back on.

Could have twisted my ankle running this afternoon...and that is the most scary thought I have had all day. Spending the next couple of weeks favoring it so it can heal is NOT sounding like a plausible addition to my routine.
I can hardly wait to rotate through the Kingsland Hospital. new faces, maybe better cafeteria food? and a vacation from the drama on the floor right now. Plus the morning drive is always liberating. So early before the 7:30 commotion starts, the interstate is a happy place to be. The sun comes up on the left side when you are heading south which makes me feel like it is following me. And I am not sure exactly why, but I like it.

A big part of me wants to run away backwards into December, back to lounging and eating cookies all day long because I just had the frightening realisation that I will be turning in 19 reports and 7 papers before midterm.
Moral of the story: Do not take two humanities with Pathology among other things in the same semester.
Have a 7am online test, so my focused side is going to click back on the correct browser window, the one with testable material,so that my slacker side can quit the tirade.

On the feel of a brand new semester

2008-01-08T16:11:00.000-08:00

I've been back hardly two days and I am already caught up in a flurry of hyperactivity. It looks like I will like most of my classes most of the time, however I am not looking foward to all the out of class assignments because that takes greatly away from my down time.
I also wish I had time to eat a good breakfast everyday. I have consistently been dreaming about a breakfast buritto with mild sauce and perhaps thats nature's way of saying that the invariable cup of coffee taken while ironing a set of scrubs or getting dressed every morning is not going to continue to suffice.

I miss the rain on the roof while I slept the winter break away, but I am happy to be here again on the straight and narrow journey to graduation...July 18.(If everything goes well)
Termaine said I sound tired.
I do feel tired. But the good kind of tired, the kind where you still have enough uuummph to finish the to-do list and pass out happily into a dreamless sleep so you can wake up to a morning basically unjaded by the previous day's horrors.

I was in the OR all day so I did have horrors. Until someone turned up some nickleback and I found myself so very 'farway. ' It looks like thats what the next few months will be about:
doing what you have to do and finding things along the way that make it quite beautiful-a little addictive infact. And all the while keeping your personal values intact.
I know someone who overdosed on James Blunt,and I perfectly understand.

untitled

2008-01-02T20:51:00.000-08:00

In saunters another January with her scent of new beginnings,her freezing temperatures and her heavy load of school(and everything that comes in the package). I will not necessarily have the same view after a week of school but right now I like the idea.

Stopped at Walgreen's to pick up the pictures when I left the gym and found a scary array of valentines day items already on display. We seemingly don't even get a chance to get over Christmas before we get drowned in another round of commercialism.* I guess it is okay if it encourages Victoria Secret to hold a huge sale for the good cause of availing 'the people' with sexy underwear at reasonable(whatever that is) prices.

After tonight, I will barely have the time to think about sexy underwear let alone write about it and I am thankful. Because I do not want to grow old and realize that it was always about me. About what designer underwear I wanted to own. Which high tech gadget I wanted to buy. what the theme for the next house party would be. What Colleges I applied to for grad school(important as that might seem), what concert I would see, what my tomorrow would be...

I want to be old and grey, and look back and see that I always knew the world was bigger than me, that on my way to find my dreams, I stopped and hugged a hurting stranger. I do not want my youth to be an empty heap of receipts from the mall, or the chronology of handsome boys I danced with- dark, funny and tall. I hope there will be more. I hope that I will find woven within the story of my life, a million little things that made a difference to some people, or someone, a shared last cookie, a needed phone call, a note, a ride, a smile, a prayer...
Because these are the things I have been blessed to find,
in the angels around me,
and these are the things worth leaving behind.

Here at the dawning of another year, I toast to all the little things that make life worthwhile& To all the wonderful people that do these little things!

*word is probably product of my wordufacturing plant.

2008 The Party is On!

2007-12-30T21:20:00.000-08:00

Now Playing: Roc Boys>Jay-Z

See you on the dance floor!

Notes...

2007-12-29T10:57:00.000-08:00

...On random things we have said.

' it is awful when all you have left is photographs and memories'-you

'there is no such thing as too much Nicklebuck'-me

'I miss you more than I miss your i-pod'-you

'all your pink stuff is making me feel gay'-you. (in a voice message)

'happy birthday McDreamy'-me

'if you keep driving like this I'll throw up on you. and all over your car'-me

'if Tasha was a guy I would be jealous'-you

' I have to run to keep up with you on river street.'-me

'do you drink Vodka just to punish me?'-you

'no I wouldn't walk a mile in your shoes. they are size 13 and I'm 7'-me

'radiographer's do not rule. only my radiographer rules'-you

'Tylenol is not food,eat the damn sandwich' -me(yelling)

'the cat misses you. and I miss you. but the guitar doesn't. the guitar is glad you're gone'-you

'Brian McKnight was just the bonus, I would have danced with you anyway. I would dance with you to a stupid song just to dance with you'-me

'you have to gain a few pounds before we go to New York or I'll lose you in the crowds'-you

'for an engineering major you are too spontaneous, my hair is still wet and I can't find my memory. memory card.'-me

'I know you are asleep. Listen to your India.Arie in the morning,good man. Goodnight'-me. (in a voice message)

'God, why can't I stay mad at you long enough to get results?' -you

'don't say eww. Jay-z and linkin park is like peanut butter and jelly'-your sad analogy

'I look scary in your sweatshirt but it smells like you so I'll keep it'-me

'if you don't turn that down I'll curse you out in Luganda'-me

'your poetry is like the fragile sweet, almost completely other you that you refuse to show anyone'-you

'don't worry school will end one day. and maybe I will not have killed you by then'-me

"...because you are different. You're like the 'fun' in dysfunctional"-you

'I love butter pecan. and hazelnut creamer. and fresh linen. and you. and chick flicks. but I'm not sure which order'-me

'You are a nut!'-you

So many words,many more left unsaid.
Thank you for a million beautiful memories, and for helping me put this post together.

HappY New Year..."weep not for the memories"-Sarah McLachlan

From a mother's heart. (1)

2007-12-26T19:14:00.000-08:00

Every year, you will feel more wise. More experienced. More in control. And then you will feel afraid in spite of your wisdom, sometimes you will be lost in spite of your experience. and no matter how much control you thought you had, you will find that life hands you situations you absolutely have no control over. and then you will freak out. you might cry a little. you might call me, just to hear my voice. You will probably lie to me when I ask how you are. You will say 'great'. which is fine. I am proud of how hard you try to be strong even when you are scared. I know you will get your girls together and sit somewhere and go over it in all kinds of ways, before you change the subject and talk about 'hot' college boys. All of this is fine. All of these are acceptable reactions. But I want you to remember to pray. I know it is easier to pray after you have run out of options, but I hope you will remember to give heaven more than the last resort call.
Once in a while you will miss me. And when you do, remember that I am always with you, no matter what you do. Take a moment every now and then, to do something that makes you smile, that makes you feel good about yourself-because that is what I would want to do for you, if I were with you.
Step out every morning with a smile on your face, and a song in your soul. Dress beautifully, don't forget to be modest. Don't be afraid to roll up your sleeves, and get your hands dirty, don't be afraid of work-It will give you pride and a sense of accomplishment. Be courageous and patient and work hard.
and should you choose to love someone, love him with an open heart. Don't hide from loving for fear of hurt. Yes, if you decide He is worth loving, know also that he is worth forgiving. Because the road of love is an endless series of forgiving, compromising, and forgiving again. The ones you love will let you down sometimes, over and over again, like you will fail them sometimes too. You will get past these issues if you remain true. True to your heart, and true to love.
Don't be afraid to kiss goodbye,
don't be afraid to hug new beginnings... to call me and say, 'mommy I don't know what to do'
because I will always be here, always loving you.

with all my love,
mom.

On Christmas: my slightly contradictory sentiments.

2007-12-24T08:54:00.000-08:00

I have convinced myself for the longest time that I do not do Christmas. Which is a little ironic if you label yourself christian, and watch a variety of non christian people enjoying Christmas while I sit in a corner and whine. I am not engaging the religion/christianity tirade right now though. That is a long debate and we all do not want to go there.

While I have not had the misfortune several christmas haters have, to have some serious tragedy sorround the holidays-I am just one of those individuals on whom the magical christmas dust doesn't fall. The lights, and bells do not work their charm. The christmas songs do not make me warm and fuzzy inside. The presents-well I like those, but I am too old too dwell on the boxes under the tree for a whole month. My family is scattered all over the world as it is-so we are not doing the big get together and stress each other out (you know thats inevitable) thing. We will make long distant phone calls, then hang up and watch telly. Pops believes that christmas day is a wonderful time to sleep-and I do not entirely disagree.
All together I had written the season off as one of those things that used to be-but right now do not exist in my corner of the globe. Because the Christmas spirit is one of those things that either you have or you do not have. There is nothing more depressing the way I see things, than a fake or forced christmas spirit.

And then I changed my mind.
Because I know that if Christmas hadn't come this year
-I'd probably still be in school slaving away the winter nights

-All these long conversations with pops about how commercial christmas is would have never happened

-I would have missed out on the world generallybeing in a good mood(even though it is because they have a brand new 80 gig. ipod)

-the after christmas store sales would not happen either( just because I said it is commercial doesn't make it entirely a losing situation)

-Not that we do not do things all year round to hurt his feelings, but without Christmas, then Jesus will feel completely ignored on His birthday-which is really mean. ( just to put things very lightly)

-I would not have anything to write about on Christmas eve.

So there. I am not all Christmassy and stuff. But I am content with this right now.
Happy Birthday Jesus! we are a complicated race with all kinds of issues, but we are thinking of you in our own twisted kind of way.

And Merry Christmas, to all of you whoever you are.
Especially to you who is still hating Christmas-do not let the merry people get on your nerves.
find if you can, your own reason to be glad. and if you can't-believe me, I understand.
It will be over soon:)
Then we can host a kick-ass new years party-right?

This one is for Prettylyf.

2007-12-19T19:57:00.000-08:00

red petals

The twin roses: have a sort of natural wedding theme

The fountain outside the Gym

Nature's necklace of love hearts!

The Fountain Again with the trail in the background

What the world looks like from under a tree

A priceless reflection: of God's creative hand.

The start of the trail.

and there is my shadow in the lower right corner-the shadow has a butt!

Photomania:Scenes from Wilmington Island, Savannah Ga.

December 19,2007